random ramblings

Today is Messi’s farewell match in Argentina shirt. Few weeks back, when the international retirement news came out, my reaction was that this might be the beginning of the end for me as football fan. There is a precedence to it. I stopped watching any form of cricket after Sachin retired. Slowly the interest died and ever since haven’t watched any match. Like many Malayalees, Argentina and Messi (and Maradona before) was a “vikaaram” (a sentiment or an emotion). That beautiful journey ends today. As a kid, I used to play an entire imaginary world cup, all by myself. With a tennis ball sometimes. Making up rules as to what counts as a goal. One such world cup was played like this - I would kick the ball to the slanting tiled roof, one can’t predict how it will come down and when it comes down, hit the goal on the volley in one touch, two touch, three touch. I used to play group games, quarter finals, semis and finals and declare winner like this. Or play an entire tournament for hours ...

1. Self destruction is coded into us, at cell level? This is why court danger, to feel alive. >> I am not sure if this is true, but noted this down to know capacity for destruction is in us. Destroying, hurting, lashing out to feel alive might be what some people do. 2.Agency - remembering you can move. >> High Agency is a concept that is fascinating. Why some people act, some do not. 3. Telescope and microscope - how to view things. Long term and short term. >> Helpful analogy. Zoom in, Zoom out. 4. "Pressure does not exist, it is an excuse. If you just think about enjoying yourself and having fun, there is no pressure." >> From a 19 year old, Lamine Yamal. Living his life large, at the center of attention. They say this is how Gen Z is. 5. To develop agency, ask - "What's the stupidest easiest one thing you could do to make even a little progress?" >> Agency again. To keep moving. 6. When you need to converge on the single ri...

People are full of contradictions. Brilliance and Despair in the same person. Yin and Yang. God and Devil. Genius and Dumb. All in the same people, appearing at different times. A few examples. Brilliant in spending hours researching, reading, going into rabbit holes, burning midnight oil, coming up with diamonds from depths of internet’s dark corners and Reddit subs, aware of trends before it becomes trends, creates clear content to educate. But speaks in riddles, lacks self esteem, moody, emotionally unstable, can’t take any negative feedback, shuts off in face of confrontation, switches off and disappears at times. Ambitious, hard working, fights for oneself, grabbing any opportunity that comes one’s way, hungry, tenacious. But panics easily, constant worrier, affects people around with the worries, drops something once it becomes overwhelming, reacts sharply under stress. Conscientious, principled, disciplined, feels for fellow human beings pain to the extent that it affects physic...

In past few years, I was worried about not really absorbing, internalising learning - from experiences, reading, talking to people etc. Started keeping notes. Curating it here for posterity.  1.      You often only understand a problem by experiencing the journey, i.e. building a solution for it. >> I think this is a constant challenge – how to develop intuition for a class of problems unless we participate in it and try to build solutions for it, then it reveals its nuances and forces us to think. But then once we get the lay of the land about the problems and potential solutions, how to abstract the lessons and zoom out to see how it all fits together is also necessary. 2.      Under promise, over deliver >> A way of life as advised by a mentor. To be done always, to surprise with more, than disappoint with less. 3.      Crucial thing to realize: there are two kinds of happiness which are often...

There is a line in a movie, Spanglish, that stayed with me for a long time. Simple line - “In the midst of confrontation, she found clarity.” It is a movie about a Spanish housekeeper in an American household and her daughter – in a pivotal conflict between them, where the daughter humiliates the mother in public, the mother finds clarity in middle of that conflict and asks the crucial question that will define their relationship and identity - "Is what you want for yourself, to become someone very different than me?". I ended up working few hours, despite being holiday today. In middle of very ambiguous or confusing or conflicting situation, I could find enough courage and clarity to take control and somehow paint a picture of where we are and what we should be doing.  I wonder how this works. Many times during such situations, people need confidence that someone would help to find a way through it and that confidence not coming from anyone around will make it progressively ...

Woke up at 12:45 am, from a lucid dream - I was writing first two lines of a novel, someone was looking over my shoulder. I knew (or thought I knew) what the lines were when I woke up, wanted to write it down, but forgot soon after. Another early morning cab ride, driver was struggling with English, asked him "ulle varungala" (“can you come inside?”), surprised myself. I wish I can learn / be more confident to talk in Tamil. Despite being sleep deprived, was somehow feeling irrationally exuberant. Despite reading some complaints in emails which normally leaves faint irritation in the back of the mind. Full of ideas, full of optimism, wanting to smile, that nothing would faze me, feeling healthy. Feeling ok that whatever I may face, still would go through, let the feelings happen and try and enjoy the process. These are times when I think I should figure out all the parameters like a lab experiment – what led to this – what food I had, climate or what. If only that can be bott...