random ramblings

People are full of contradictions. Brilliance and Despair in the same person. Yin and Yang. God and Devil. Genius and Dumb. All in the same people, appearing at different times. A few examples. Brilliant in spending hours researching, reading, going into rabbit holes, burning midnight oil, coming up with diamonds from depths of internet’s dark corners and Reddit subs, aware of trends before it becomes trends, creates clear content to educate. But speaks in riddles, lacks self esteem, moody, emotionally unstable, can’t take any negative feedback, shuts off in face of confrontation, switches off and disappears at times. Ambitious, hard working, fights for oneself, grabbing any opportunity that comes one’s way, hungry, tenacious. But panics easily, constant worrier, affects people around with the worries, drops something once it becomes overwhelming, reacts sharply under stress. Conscientious, principled, disciplined, feels for fellow human beings pain to the extent that it affects physic...

In past few years, I was worried about not really absorbing, internalising learning - from experiences, reading, talking to people etc. Started keeping notes. Curating it here for posterity.  1.      You often only understand a problem by experiencing the journey, i.e. building a solution for it. >> I think this is a constant challenge – how to develop intuition for a class of problems unless we participate in it and try to build solutions for it, then it reveals its nuances and forces us to think. But then once we get the lay of the land about the problems and potential solutions, how to abstract the lessons and zoom out to see how it all fits together is also necessary. 2.      Under promise, over deliver >> A way of life as advised by a mentor. To be done always, to surprise with more, than disappoint with less. 3.      Crucial thing to realize: there are two kinds of happiness which are often...

There is a line in a movie, Spanglish, that stayed with me for a long time. Simple line - “In the midst of confrontation, she found clarity.” It is a movie about a Spanish housekeeper in an American household and her daughter – in a pivotal conflict between them, where the daughter humiliates the mother in public, the mother finds clarity in middle of that conflict and asks the crucial question that will define their relationship and identity - "Is what you want for yourself, to become someone very different than me?". I ended up working few hours, despite being holiday today. In middle of very ambiguous or confusing or conflicting situation, I could find enough courage and clarity to take control and somehow paint a picture of where we are and what we should be doing.  I wonder how this works. Many times during such situations, people need confidence that someone would help to find a way through it and that confidence not coming from anyone around will make it progressively ...

Woke up at 12:45 am, from a lucid dream - I was writing first two lines of a novel, someone was looking over my shoulder. I knew (or thought I knew) what the lines were when I woke up, wanted to write it down, but forgot soon after. Another early morning cab ride, driver was struggling with English, asked him "ulle varungala" (“can you come inside?”), surprised myself. I wish I can learn / be more confident to talk in Tamil. Despite being sleep deprived, was somehow feeling irrationally exuberant. Despite reading some complaints in emails which normally leaves faint irritation in the back of the mind. Full of ideas, full of optimism, wanting to smile, that nothing would faze me, feeling healthy. Feeling ok that whatever I may face, still would go through, let the feelings happen and try and enjoy the process. These are times when I think I should figure out all the parameters like a lab experiment – what led to this – what food I had, climate or what. If only that can be bott...

I came across this beauty today morning. In this campus, the gardeners have overdone themselves – some bougainvillea vines meshed with tall trees have flowers as high as two or three stories. It is one of my dreams to have the bright bougainvillea, like a flower explosion, in front of a house that I own. With a nomadic life for a decade, having lived in atleast ten or fifteen houses (lost count) so far in my lifetime and an apartment dweller for maybe half of it, this becomes even more of a sweeter daydream to have. Even though we have a dull pink colored (as the memes go, for me all of pink is pink) bougainvillea at the entrance of our current place, even if it is in the compound of the neighbor, who has sold the house and it is locked up now. Sometimes there is a clean, untouched flowerbed on the ground when it sheds it all at once. At office, we have a sort of inner courtyard, with a fake grass carpet and real big flowerpots. It is one of my favorite places to take calls, walk aroun...

“Que mira, bobo?” (“What are you looking at, idiot?”) – Messi’s angry retort to a dutch player during the post match interview after 2022 world cup semi final. It was Messi’s “roudra” avatar in that match. I had been spending a few minutes with Duolingo, trying to learn Spanish. I have seen the memes of Duolingo Spanish, but then for me keeping this streak is helping to building some familiarity with the language. Enough to now etch phrases like above to memory. It is now third European language attempt for me. First was a brief encounter with German, during school. We were living in a house which was at the bottom of a hill, on the other side of which lived a recluse commonly known as “sayippu”. I believe he was a Malayali, vaguely remember someone saying he was with the army, may have been deployed in Germany, but then it could have been memory playing games. But somehow he knew German and somehow my father enrolled me in a summer class on German there. It was just three of us – a br...