random ramblings

Came across some recurring themes about friendship in different articles that I was reading. I have had such “deep friendship of intimate conversations” from childhood to now, but none of it lasted lifelong. I have had friends whom we never thought we will ever drift apart (no blood pact or anything). There could be many excuses – of moving, different schools, college, locations, people moving away for better life conditions, long distance friendships not sustaining etc. I have been steadily losing friends – most due to people deciding to move abroad (typical Malayali syndrome), getting restless in their jobs and wanting a change and then it becoming hi-hello once in a while. Idea of a life-long true friend is alluring. Solitude and Leadership – speech by William Deresiewicz But I’m talking about one kind of friendship in particular, the deep friendship of intimate conversation. Long, uninterrupted talk with one other person. Not Skyping with three people and texting with tw...

I was discussing Buddhism with a friend today and debating whether Nirvana state is a worthwhile target – why get free from all the desires and suffering since many of these is what makes us human. Why transcend being human while we are living this life? It could be a naïve thought. But I was thinking if I would let go of below emotions if I had a choice.. Feeling that I am not giving my daughter enough love and wanting to give her a hug Missing someone so much that it puts a weight on the chest Seeing someone so genuine and feel happy about having met them Feeling tensed for no reason or too many reasons piling up Stepping out to the sun at noon, a cold breeze and feeling healthy and happy Laughing till the eyes tear up and back aches Feeling of accomplishment after doing something well Screaming silently at myself for doing or saying something stupid Acute embarrassment in facing people and saying things I don’t believe in Physical pain like a small electric ...

For past few years, I have been catching up on English short stories, mostly online. It gave me company many days, long travels, waiting in airports. Listed down below a few that I bookmarked. Hope to keep adding to this.  Two Men Arrive in a Village – Zadie Smith The Embassy of Cambodia – Zadie Smith For Esme with Love and Squalor – J D Salinger  ( wrote about this earlier ) A Perfect day for Bananafish – J D Salinger (Nine Stories here) The Lady with the Little Dog – Anton Chekhov About Love – Anton Chekhov Gooseberries – Anton Chekhov The Huntsman – Anton Chekhov Ward No. 6 – Anton Chekhov (wrote about this earlier ) Amundsen – Alice Munro The View from Castle Roc – Alice Munro   Passion – Alice Munro A Jury of Her Peers – Susan Glaspell A New England Nun – Mary E Wilkins Freeman Little Girl Afraid of a Dog – Mary E Wilkins Freeman One Good Time – Mary E Wilkins Freeman The ...

Finished reading “On The Move” - autobiography by Oliver Sacks. Two hours of it in the morning today, a bright day, with no distractions and reading through the best parts of the book, was bliss. I got to know about him first through radiolab podcasts . Watched the movie “Awakenings” based on his book by the same name (his character played by Robin Williams in the movie – exceptional talent) and had read some of his essays and TED talk . An amazing human being – I wonder how people can be so passionate, dedicated, curious, childlike, meticulous, full of energy and genuine. While the autobiography could be dragging in parts for those with not so much interest in science and medical writing, knowing his story and the context, it was interesting to me. Few good quotes from the book. It was sort of continuation of my thought from yesterday about why people write and the process through which writers go through. Highlighter also reminded about Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk – the ...

For past few days I have been trying to build a habit to write something, anything, every day. No reason why I came to that resolution. I realize that at times when the emotions run high, the creative juices flow and I need an outlet. But can't say for sure that is the reason. I guess any creative process, whether it is doodling on paper or playing something on an instrument, leads to a sort of dopamine hit, gives a bit of satisfaction. I don't have a set process or time, but I end up doing this as last act of the day. It may be the least productive or creative time though, so the struggle to stare at a blank page and write something might be higher. Cognitive resources are at low, having used up a lot during the day in seemingly endless context switching that is typical in what I do. Especially at end of a week as well - Friday night - crashes the brain. Now even in this situation, if something comes down to the page, it still gives a small dose of satisfaction which can...

Have you ever talked to someone and started adopting their small peculiar accents and common words they use? Conversation is like a dance (I can’t dance, but this analogy seem to fit) – you catch the tone and drift of someone’s talk, respond to it, adapt and create a rhythm with which you can connect. It is like micro expression reading (I can’t do that well, maybe a little bit). Small variations in tone indicating irritation, anger, impatience, frustration – all of which needs to be solved on the fly by changing the dance moves. If it is happiness, passion, excitement, eagerness – can work with it and jive more. If it is monotonous from one side, without paying close attention to the rhythms of the other, it can look robotic and boring soon and we break off soon. I read this recently about Aristotle (it is interesting to note that the ancients have pretty well figured out the inner workings of a human being – they had a lot of time to think about it without distractions and ma...

You think that I don't even mean A single word I say It's only words, and words are all I have To take your heart away -- It’s only words – Bee Gees It’s only words Words that crowd around the chest and don’t give peace until it is out in the world Once it is out, giving a different kind of pain Misunderstood, ignored, twisted out of shape Words that are not said, that can never be said, right words Words that are said, that cannot be taken back, wrong words Words that changes course of a life Instant it is said out loud And words that can never change A stubborn and closed mind

I was thinking about a startup idea and as the dream castle kept taking a grander shape in my mind, I thought about how it will make money. But then I was thinking how should it really make money, for what purpose. It led to thinking about how would I like to work if I ran this company. Here goes some basic principles.. Working on something that is of value to people – in areas like education, health – anything that gives satisfaction of having helped someone and making an iota of positive difference to someone else’s life Working on something that is challenging, where I am learning continuously Working with people I trust, respect and love – people with whom I can be open and honest, with whom I can have lot of genuine fun, who share common values, people with whom I don’t have to think twice about saying the right thing and watch my words to avoid hurting their ego, working with friends and peers, without need of any hierarchy and com...

I read this article by Amit Varma – I am a feminist. You should be too. I follow Amit’s blog for a few years and he has written articles that gave me good perspectives about a few things over the years – like Modi’s rise, Trump election, opportunity cost etc. I shared this article with a few friends and the reactions were quite varied. About feminism in India getting a bad rap – one felt this is not happening due to extreme forms of feminism and people misusing feminist tag to take advantage. I tend to agree with that due to some of below reactions. One friend asked me straight up “Why are you biased” and that I should be a humanist instead. I think this illustrates the common misconception. People think feminism is about female domination, just like male chauvinism – two ends of the spectrum, rather than feminism being a centrist position in sexism that stands for equality. I think due to this the word feminism evokes distinct aversion ...

Continued with the Game Theory class from yesterday. Lesson 4:- Penalty kick game – which is the best strategy to shoot, to middle, left or right. Middle is not best response to any belief. “Do not choose a strategy that is never a Best Response to any belief” Partnership game (50-50 partnership, effort put in vs return; two people sharing a room, who will cleanup) “Inefficiently low effort, because at the margin I only capture ½ the benefit I put in, but I absorb all the cost of the effort” Players play best response to each other – iteratively removes the best responses Reaches “Nash equilibrium” I wonder in scenarios like this, who will put in effort without regard to the return (returns will go to the other person also, but effort only from one). Unless there are people who put in effort without regard to the result, will the world reach Nash equilibrium? Is this what is happening to scenarios like globa...

Following the reference in Naval’s Farnam Street podcast and this tweet , decided to give it a try to learn Game Theory. Game Theory seems to have application in economics, political science, biology, computer science and even in philosophy – seems to something to learn to better understand the world. One of the references to learn Game Theory from the twitter replies was the Yale University course on Game Theory taught by Ben Polak . Started it today and finished 3 lessons. Taking some notes for future reference. Lesson 1:- What strategy should a rational person choose in the Grade Game (if you and someone had to bid anonymously and the grade depended on the combined choice)? “ You should never play a strictly dominated strategy” – if you know the strategy which will always be dominated, don’t go for it. “Rational play by rational players can lead to bad outcome.” Prisoner’s Dilemma example – most will choose to defect. Morality and trust ques...

Tired, dragging the limbs now Can’t deal with one more problem Or quirks of one more person Breaking up the kid’s fights Dealing with outsized egos Tired of forgiving and forgetting Ignoring all the show off Tired of rationalizing and justifying Finding ways when all logic fails Clutching at straws, to keep going Tableau of eerie reality Of artificial problems And earnest solutions     Overdosed on theories Step down from my high horse And quit condescending Now need to set the mind free Fall asleep for a week and Roam around some fantasy land

I was talking to a friend today who said he consciously switched himself from introvert to extrovert (or ambivert who can switch modes – might be the perfect one). Now he can start conversations with strangers in a long train journey and talk for hours on end. It is something I could never do – open up conversation with a stranger and talk for hours. Today I started my day with a call with a customer for an hour. I had multiple one on one conversations for more than half hour at a time. Except one which is with this friend, all the rest were work related. It is difficult for me to initiate or hold a conversation longer with a stranger because I don’t ask many questions, I will answer questions with short responses which is intended to close off their line of questioning. It takes years for me to lower my defenses with someone, trust them and talk freely about anything and everything. I was telling this friend that I go to the same barber for about 7 years now, usually they talk whil...

I wish wrote brief reviews of the books I had read, atleast as future references for me or what I learned from it. Atleast one solace for me is this - " Reading and experience train your model of the world. And even if you forget the experience or what you read, its effect on your model of the world persists. Your mind is like a compiled program you've lost the source of. It works, but you don't know why." So what I learned would have got compiled into my run time and even I don't remember exactly where I picked up something, it would have made a permanent wiring change anyway which is what I am today.  Here goes a brief of some of the books I read that helped with my work in some or other way -   The Mythical Man-Month: Essays on Software Engineering – Fred Brook One of the first books I read on software engineering. Classic observations that adding people in delayed projects will delay it further etc came from this book. It will hel...

Below are the books I have read and liked. I need to build a list of fiction to read - something that is well written, good story, characters and their unique worlds, unputdownable, something that stays in mind a few days after I finish it and something that gives a different perspective on life and people.  I wish there were recommendation from friends (than Goodreads and Amazon recommendations) which are genuine than a machine recommendation, wider in variety and expands the range than what I might find on my own or just stumble upon.  Read and liked so far:- The great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald Brave New World- Aldous Huxley Catch-22- Joseph Heller On the Road - Jack Kerouac The Catcher in the rye - J.D. Salinger The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy Great Expectations - C...

"Zen and art of motorcycle maintenance" by Robert Pirsig is my favorite book. I need to figure out  exactly   why I think so - but it must be due to couple of things - the writing itself which I think is beautiful even though it is philosophy, secondly the perspectives of quality - I got the concept of quality inherent in any thing or act or person that cannot be named through this book. One other aspect I need to dig up and connect some other dots is about difference in people's worldview. I think there are people who can be largely classified as classical and romantic based on their predominant disposition like the quote from the book below (highlight is mine). Reproducing the full quote here to give the complete context.  Bit more commentary continues after the quote.    I want to divide human understanding into two kinds... classical understanding and romantic understanding . A classical understanding sees the world primarily as underlying form itsel...

I have almost always picked the underdogs and the problem with that is disappointment. Supremely confident, highly skilled, well prepared winners who will make it though always don't need much support anyway.  What leads us to root for underdogs? Is it our own deficiencies, inferiority complex and insecurities of that we project on to the weaker candidate and want them to win for our own sake? When the underdog wins, do we feel we have a chance to win as well? When they lose, do we think yes, it is just like the hard life for most out there and live with it? Or is it truly empathy for those who try?  I would like to believe, being human is to support those who may not be perfect, but who try hard. Who may not act like something rightfully belongs to them, not act like they are entitled to it. But their failures and shortcomings are visible, their effort and fight too. I need to prepared to be heartbroken because they will fail, but need to find happiness in how far they wo...