deep friendship


Came across some recurring themes about friendship in different articles that I was reading. I have had such “deep friendship of intimate conversations” from childhood to now, but none of it lasted lifelong. I have had friends whom we never thought we will ever drift apart (no blood pact or anything). There could be many excuses – of moving, different schools, college, locations, people moving away for better life conditions, long distance friendships not sustaining etc. I have been steadily losing friends – most due to people deciding to move abroad (typical Malayali syndrome), getting restless in their jobs and wanting a change and then it becoming hi-hello once in a while. Idea of a life-long true friend is alluring.

But I’m talking about one kind of friendship in particular, the deep friendship of intimate conversation. Long, uninterrupted talk with one other person. Not Skyping with three people and texting with two others at the same time while you hang out in a friend’s room listening to music and studying. That’s what Emerson meant when he said that “the soul environs itself with friends, that it may enter into a grander self-acquaintance or solitude.”

Then, there’s the true friend. Not someone who’s just like you, but someone who isn’t you, but about whom you care as much as you care about yourself. The sorrows of a true friend are your sorrows. Their joys are yours. It makes you more vulnerable, should anything befall this person. But it’s hugely strengthening too. You’re relieved from too small orbit of your own thoughts and worries. You expand into the life of another, together you become larger, cleverer, more resilient, more fair-minded. You share virtues and cancel out each other’s defects. Friendship teaches us what we ought to be: it is, quite literally, the best part of life.

FRIENDSHIP is a mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness. Friendship not only helps us see ourselves through another’s eyes, but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to forgive them in turn. A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion we do not need them. An undercurrent of real friendship is a blessing exactly because its elemental form is rediscovered again and again through understanding and mercy. All friendships of any length are based on a continued, mutual forgiveness. Without tolerance and mercy all friendships die.

nirvana


I was discussing Buddhism with a friend today and debating whether Nirvana state is a worthwhile target – why get free from all the desires and suffering since many of these is what makes us human. Why transcend being human while we are living this life? It could be a naïve thought. But I was thinking if I would let go of below emotions if I had a choice..

Feeling that I am not giving my daughter enough love and wanting to give her a hug
Missing someone so much that it puts a weight on the chest
Seeing someone so genuine and feel happy about having met them
Feeling tensed for no reason or too many reasons piling up
Stepping out to the sun at noon, a cold breeze and feeling healthy and happy
Laughing till the eyes tear up and back aches
Feeling of accomplishment after doing something well
Screaming silently at myself for doing or saying something stupid
Acute embarrassment in facing people and saying things I don’t believe in
Physical pain like a small electric shock upon seeing someone in a wretched state
Feeling rage when someone behaves utterly unfair
Feeling helpless when all the logic fails
Happiness from companionship
Happiness from creation
Sinking feeling seeing the corrupt people rise
Feeling guilty having accused someone of something incorrectly or prematurely
Feeling inadequate in inability to rise to occasion when it was needed
Feeling like an idiot for not saying something clearly at the right time, worried about offending someone who did not deserve it and letting something wrong continue

There are lot of emotions and thoughts I could get rid of – competitiveness on things that don’t matter, greed, jealousy, possessiveness, pride in wrong things. But others that help us improve, those that act as checks and balances, should remain along with all the positive ones. Can settle for such compromised nirvana maybe.

On the Move - Oliver Sacks


Finished reading “On The Move” - autobiography by Oliver Sacks. Two hours of it in the morning today, a bright day, with no distractions and reading through the best parts of the book, was bliss. I got to know about him first through radiolab podcasts. Watched the movie “Awakenings” based on his book by the same name (his character played by Robin Williams in the movie – exceptional talent) and had read some of his essays and TED talk. An amazing human being – I wonder how people can be so passionate, dedicated, curious, childlike, meticulous, full of energy and genuine. While the autobiography could be dragging in parts for those with not so much interest in science and medical writing, knowing his story and the context, it was interesting to me.

Few good quotes from the book.

It was sort of continuation of my thought from yesterday about why people write and the process through which writers go through. Highlighter also reminded about Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk – the story about a poet running from the farm to her home to catch the poem that is coming to her and once it passes through her like a train, catches it by the tail and the poem coming last line first as she drags it back (while it may not be literally through, it is a great way to think).

Now I was free to write, but I also had an intense, literal, almost crazy feeling of an impending deadline. I was dissatisfied with my 1967 manuscript and decided to rewrite the book. It was the first of September, and I said to myself, ”If I do not have the finished manuscript in Faber’s hands by September IO, I shall have to kill myself.” And under this threat, I started writing Within a day or so, the feeling of threat had disappeared, and the joy of writing took over. I was no longer using drugs, but it was a time of extraordinary elation and energy. It seemed to me almost as though the book were being dictated, everything organizing itself swiftly and automatically. I would sleep for just a couple of hours a night. “

The part where he writes about his relationship with his aunt Lennie was most touching for me. Having someone like this in the life, who can be the anchor for your life who will never let go, could be so lucky – life would not drift aimlessly with someone like this believing in you completely, listening, encouraging and being always there. He was so blessed.

This letter, like all her letters, opened with ”Darling Bol" (occasionally ”Boliver”), whereas my parents, more soberly, would write ”Dear Oliver.” I did not feel she used the word ”Darling” lightly; I felt very loved by her, and I loved her intensely too, and this was a love without ambivalence, without conditionality. Nothing I could say could repel or shock her; there seemed no limit to her powers of sympathy and understanding, the generosity and spaciousness of her heart.

About proof reading the drafts of his second book “Awakenings” to his mother. I think “ringing true” is a great way to evaluate anything – last week we were doing interviews for a position and after 3-4 interviews, when one of them clicked, I was thinking that it is because the candidate was not making up, it probably was “ringing true” and we decided to select.  

She would listen intently, always with emotion, but equally with a sharp critical judgment, one honed by her own sense of what was clinically real. She tolerated, with mixed feelings, my meanderings and ponderings, but ”ringing true” was her ultimate value. ”That doesn’t ring true!” she would sometimes say, but then, more and more, ”Now you have it. Now it rings true.”

In a sort of way, then, we wrote the case histories of Awakenings together that summer, and there was a sense of time arrested, of enchantment, a privileged time-out from the rush of daily life, a special time consecrated to creation.

More on writing process. I think it could be one more reason to write – to discover one’s own thoughts through the act of writing.

it seems to me that I discover my thoughts through the act of writing, in the act of writing. Occasionally, a piece comes out perfectly, but more often my writings need extensive pruning and editing, because I may express the same thought in many different ways. I can get waylaid by tangential thoughts and associations in mid-sentence, and this leads to parentheses, subordinate clauses, sentences of paragraphic length. I never use one adjective if six seem to me better and, in their cumulative effect, more incisive. I am haunted by the density of reality and try to capture this with (in Clifford Geertz’s phrase) ”thick description.” All this creates problems of organization. I get intoxicated, sometimes, by the rush of thoughts and am too impatient to put them in the right order. But one needs a cool head, intervals of sobriety, as much as one needs that creative exuberance.

The act of writing is itself enough; it serves to clarify my thoughts and feelings. The act of writing is an integral part of my mental life; ideas emerge, are shaped, in the act of writing.

Below could be said about my blog too..

My journals are not written for others, nor do I usually look at them myself, but they are a special, indispensable form of talking to myself.

writing resolution

For past few days I have been trying to build a habit to write something, anything, every day. No reason why I came to that resolution. I realize that at times when the emotions run high, the creative juices flow and I need an outlet. But can't say for sure that is the reason.

I guess any creative process, whether it is doodling on paper or playing something on an instrument, leads to a sort of dopamine hit, gives a bit of satisfaction. I don't have a set process or time, but I end up doing this as last act of the day. It may be the least productive or creative time though, so the struggle to stare at a blank page and write something might be higher. Cognitive resources are at low, having used up a lot during the day in seemingly endless context switching that is typical in what I do. Especially at end of a week as well - Friday night - crashes the brain. Now even in this situation, if something comes down to the page, it still gives a small dose of satisfaction which can be taken to sleep.

But I don't write for that as well. It is just my half cooked theory. So why then? I read somewhere that we have urge to write to shout at the world about what we want to say, like leaving a message in a bottle for someone to find. It is sort of exhibitionism, to reveal oneself through words and find some redemption in the process. It is still a strange custom - why do people take the pain to create anything. It is a painful process - when there is nothing forthcoming on some days, it is a struggle. On some days when the words just flow out of somewhere, it is magical. So I guess for true artists, it could like a junkie trying to get the next hit. To create something and get a kick out of it. Thrash around until they get it.
Whatever it is, I have decided to stick with this for 100 days and see where it leads me to. Even if I force myself many days or cheat by sharing articles some days to go easy with myself. For example today my laptop crashed and I did this on mobile to avoid giving me an excuse to slip.

So with the 0.000001 micrograms of dopamine that got released in this process, I can try to get some peaceful sleep.

conversational dance


Have you ever talked to someone and started adopting their small peculiar accents and common words they use? Conversation is like a dance (I can’t dance, but this analogy seem to fit) – you catch the tone and drift of someone’s talk, respond to it, adapt and create a rhythm with which you can connect. It is like micro expression reading (I can’t do that well, maybe a little bit). Small variations in tone indicating irritation, anger, impatience, frustration – all of which needs to be solved on the fly by changing the dance moves. If it is happiness, passion, excitement, eagerness – can work with it and jive more. If it is monotonous from one side, without paying close attention to the rhythms of the other, it can look robotic and boring soon and we break off soon.

I read this recently about Aristotle (it is interesting to note that the ancients have pretty well figured out the inner workings of a human being – they had a lot of time to think about it without distractions and map out the mind.):-

He invented what we still call rhetoric, the art of getting people to agree with you. We wanted thoughtful, serious and well-intentioned people to learn how to be persuasive, to reach those who don’t agree already.

He makes some timeless points: you have to soothe people’s fears, you have to see the emotional side of the issue – Is someone’s pride on the line? Are they feeling embarrassed? – and edge around it accordingly. You have to make it funny because attention spans are short, and you might have to use illustrations and examples to make your point come alive.

I realize many times we can’t use a single dimension of pure logic to make someone agree. Appealing to the ego, making it look it was their idea to start with (like one scene in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” where the mother makes the father agree to something by making it look like he came up with the idea in the first place), telling them that there is no threat, making them look good in the process, agreeing with them in some parts – all the tricks in the book may be needed.

words


You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say

It's only words, and words are all I have
To take your heart away


It’s only words

Words that crowd around the chest
and don’t give peace until it is out in the world
Once it is out, giving a different kind of pain
Misunderstood, ignored, twisted out of shape

Words that are not said,
that can never be said, right words
Words that are said,
that cannot be taken back, wrong words

Words that changes course of a life
Instant it is said out loud
And words that can never change
A stubborn and closed mind

dream work


I was thinking about a startup idea and as the dream castle kept taking a grander shape in my mind, I thought about how it will make money. But then I was thinking how should it really make money, for what purpose. It led to thinking about how would I like to work if I ran this company. Here goes some basic principles..

  • Working on something that is of value to people – in areas like education, health – anything that gives satisfaction of having helped someone and making an iota of positive difference to someone else’s life
  • Working on something that is challenging, where I am learning continuously
  • Working with people I trust, respect and love – people with whom I can be open and honest, with whom I can have lot of genuine fun, who share common values, people with whom I don’t have to think twice about saying the right thing and watch my words to avoid hurting their ego, working with friends and peers, without need of any hierarchy and competition, without having to pretend being someone that I am not, without worrying about a manager-subordinate relationship that makes relationships formal.
  • Making just enough money to live minimally and comfortably, not luxuriously. Not worrying about growth, doing more and more of what I don’t like to do to climb an artificial hierarchy, running the rat race my whole life.
  • Working in non-profit mode – making profit is by charging for the value provided and managing costs to return a profit to the shareholder or investor, it eventually leads to regret in some form or other (overcharging a customer, underpaying employees, compromising on quality etc). Remove that chance of regret altogether.
  • Working on things that are honest, ethical, moral and rational – not having to do any single thing for the sake of it or to work around a broken system or do anything that is make believe to convince someone who is irrational.  
It sounds like utopia and unfortunately such dream castles tumble down and crashes when I wake up to reality. But then what is the value of our precious life and limited time in this world if we are not working on something that is of value to others, that we love to do, with good people and having lot of fun in the process. 

feminism


I read this article by Amit Varma – I am a feminist. You should be too. I follow Amit’s blog for a few years and he has written articles that gave me good perspectives about a few things over the years – like Modi’s rise, Trump election, opportunity cost etc. I shared this article with a few friends and the reactions were quite varied.

  • About feminism in India getting a bad rap – one felt this is not happening due to extreme forms of feminism and people misusing feminist tag to take advantage. I tend to agree with that due to some of below reactions.
  • One friend asked me straight up “Why are you biased” and that I should be a humanist instead. I think this illustrates the common misconception. People think feminism is about female domination, just like male chauvinism – two ends of the spectrum, rather than feminism being a centrist position in sexism that stands for equality. I think due to this the word feminism evokes distinct aversion in some of my friends. Instant reaction about feminism is that they are haughty (“ahankari” in Malayalam).
  • Another reaction was that it was not really about equality, but more to get attention and publicity. That there are natural roles for men and women and it is stupidity to say men and women should be doing same things. There was no clear answer to the question about whether he supports equal pay for equal work or equal opportunity for a boy and a girl.
  • One said many women also object to feminism – could be conditioning through generations which is hard to come to terms with, sort of like Stockholm syndrome. One perspective was that for women to join the workforce and succeed, it needs more social support (maternity break and reentry to work etc). Also the business leaders would prefer workaholic men who don’t take breaks which is more profitable. The glass ceiling is harder to break and many will fail trying to break through.

Nevertheless, these views should be shared. Current situation should not become an equilibrium and it needs more conscious effort to change. I wish more people would read articles such as this. I wish I had learned these lessons while I was a kid.

Game Theory - continued..


Continued with the Game Theory class from yesterday.

Lesson 4:-
  • Penalty kick game – which is the best strategy to shoot, to middle, left or right.
    • Middle is not best response to any belief.
  • “Do not choose a strategy that is never a Best Response to any belief”
  • Partnership game (50-50 partnership, effort put in vs return; two people sharing a room, who will cleanup)
    • “Inefficiently low effort, because at the margin I only capture ½ the benefit I put in, but I absorb all the cost of the effort”
    • Players play best response to each other – iteratively removes the best responses
    • Reaches “Nash equilibrium”
  • I wonder in scenarios like this, who will put in effort without regard to the return (returns will go to the other person also, but effort only from one). Unless there are people who put in effort without regard to the result, will the world reach Nash equilibrium? Is this what is happening to scenarios like global warming (everyone putting least effort needed since others are not doing it) and similar scenarios where morality causes someone to put in effort and suffer for benefit of others?
  • Nash equilibrium vs just doing the work without expecting results
  • I listened to Adam Grant about Givers and Takers. I wonder if someone evaluated the effect of Nash equilibrium in an organization where there is an imbalance of Givers vs Takers or will that go to the equilibrium when Givers will leave the organization frustrated about someone is taking advantage of them until there is an equilibrium.

Lesson 5:-
  • At Nash equilibrium, there are no regrets for the players – they put just the right amount of effort which yielded results and didn’t end up putting less effort (regret they did less) or more effort (regret others are getting benefit).
  • Self fulfilling beliefs - because I will play my best response thinking everyone else is going to their part.
  • Nash equilibrium is a different social problem than that of prisoner’s dilemma – in prisoner’s dilemma, there was no enforcing contract, so everyone will play the dominant strategy as their best response. But in Nash equilibrium, Coordination/Communication can help.
  • Investment Game – only if 90% of players invest, everyone benefits. But in examples, people abstain thinking getting 90% is not going to happen (trust, risk aversion). If you play this multiple times, result will converge to an equilibrium. Bank run (many people losing trust in a bank and wanting to withdraw at the same time) is an example.
  • Nash equilibrium can be self enforcing agreement.



Game Theory - notes


Following the reference in Naval’s Farnam Street podcast and this tweet, decided to give it a try to learn Game Theory. Game Theory seems to have application in economics, political science, biology, computer science and even in philosophy – seems to something to learn to better understand the world. One of the references to learn Game Theory from the twitter replies was the Yale University course on Game Theory taught by Ben Polak. Started it today and finished 3 lessons. Taking some notes for future reference.

Lesson 1:-
  • What strategy should a rational person choose in the Grade Game (if you and someone had to bid anonymously and the grade depended on the combined choice)?
  • You should never play a strictly dominated strategy” – if you know the strategy which will always be dominated, don’t go for it.
  • “Rational play by rational players can lead to bad outcome.” Prisoner’s Dilemma example – most will choose to defect. Morality and trust question.
  • “To figure out what actions you should choose in a game, a good  first step is to figure out what are your payoffs (what do you care about) and what are other players' payoffs.”
  • “If you do not have a dominated strategy, put yourself in your opponents' shoes to try to predict what they will do. For example, in their shoes, you would not choose a dominated strategy.”

Lesson 2:-
  • When you put yourself in someone else's shoes, you should consider not only their goals, but also how sophisticated are they (are they rational?), and how much do they know about you (do they know that you are rational?)
  • When considering strategies, eliminate dominated strategies. Choosing a number and winning based on accuracy to match 2/3rd of the average – if we eliminate dominated strategies (>67), then average is around 30, but if other’s also consider that, then it eliminates >45 as well, then the 2/3rd of average reduces to around 20 and iteratively to 1. But then some irrational choices also happens, hence the eventual winner is closer to a lower number. If you play again, the value reduces further.

Lesson 3:-
  • Median voter theorem – in politics, once we eliminate dominated strategies (political positions on a spectrum that are extreme to left or to right), candidates will swing to the center. Over time, the left candidate will move towards conservative and the right candidate moves towards liberal.
  • Best Response - a new idea to get us beyond iterative deletion. Think about our beliefs about what the other player is going to do, and then ask what is the best strategy for us to choose given those beliefs?

Tired


Tired, dragging the limbs now

Can’t deal with one more problem
Or quirks of one more person
Breaking up the kid’s fights

Dealing with outsized egos
Tired of forgiving and forgetting
Ignoring all the show off

Tired of rationalizing and justifying
Finding ways when all logic fails
Clutching at straws, to keep going

Tableau of eerie reality
Of artificial problems
And earnest solutions   

Overdosed on theories
Step down from my high horse
And quit condescending

Now need to set the mind free
Fall asleep for a week and
Roam around some fantasy land

ambivert


I was talking to a friend today who said he consciously switched himself from introvert to extrovert (or ambivert who can switch modes – might be the perfect one). Now he can start conversations with strangers in a long train journey and talk for hours on end. It is something I could never do – open up conversation with a stranger and talk for hours. Today I started my day with a call with a customer for an hour. I had multiple one on one conversations for more than half hour at a time. Except one which is with this friend, all the rest were work related. It is difficult for me to initiate or hold a conversation longer with a stranger because I don’t ask many questions, I will answer questions with short responses which is intended to close off their line of questioning. It takes years for me to lower my defenses with someone, trust them and talk freely about anything and everything. I was telling this friend that I go to the same barber for about 7 years now, usually they talk while they cut the hair, but mine is an introvert as well who talks only when he is a little drunk, then he tells me his entire family history. I think I am exceptionally great at listening and likes to listen to people going on about their lives until they start to dump their weird beliefs on me. But the curious case is, I have learned to consciously switch on for work and can talk about any aspect of work passionately for hours one on one with most people. But put me outside this comfort zone into say a party, I will close off mostly, find the escape hatch in the first opportunity I get or make standard jokes to try and act like an extrovert which might become painfully obvious.

I had read Susan Cain’s “Quiet : the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” this year. She talks about introverts passing off as extroverts, acting like one, sometimes so well that no one would notice that someone is actually an introvert. But other than the conscious switching on and acting part, is it possible to break the barrier and cross over to an ambivert? I feel we will miss out hearing more stories about people’s lives, building deeper connections with more people unless we are able to connect and engage with people quickly. I think I know the theory very well – since I know that we have to break the ice and talk about everything else other than work to connect with someone (80% of a conversation could be about not work and still get what we want done with 20% due to the connect). Maybe I should attempt it more – talking to more strangers and see if I am able to hold a non-work related conversation longer.

what i learned / non fiction


I wish wrote brief reviews of the books I had read, atleast as future references for me or what I learned from it. Atleast one solace for me is this - "Reading and experience train your model of the world. And even if you forget the experience or what you read, its effect on your model of the world persists. Your mind is like a compiled program you've lost the source of. It works, but you don't know why." So what I learned would have got compiled into my run time and even I don't remember exactly where I picked up something, it would have made a permanent wiring change anyway which is what I am today. 

Here goes a brief of some of the books I read that helped with my work in some or other way -  

  1. The Mythical Man-Month: Essays on Software Engineering – Fred Brook
    1. One of the first books I read on software engineering. Classic observations that adding people in delayed projects will delay it further etc came from this book. It will help to think about the practices we follow in our projects and gives perspectives to use in standard conversations we get into with clients regularly about various issues about estimation, project management, people etc.
  2. The design of everyday things – Donald Norman
    1. Classic book on design – will be helpful to think about importance of design in everything we use. Using the knowledge in the head (what the users would know already) and in the world (common practices, universal laws, natural expectations) to design something optimal, human centered design, designing for errors are some learnings from this.
  3. Psychology of Computer of Programming – Gerald Weinberg
    1. I got to know psychology is even something to consider in the context of my work from this. Hawthorne effect (being observed itself improves performance), qualities of good leaders of software projects, realization that learning how to learn and figuring out more ways to learn than formal training and experience are some things that I picked up from here. Also realized that being a true professional is an individual responsibility, not the responsibility of the company or manager that we work for.  
  4. Making Things Happen : Mastering Project Management – Scott Berkun
    1. Many of us go into project and program management without any formal training on it, it is supposed to have come through on the job learning and learning from our own managers. This book helps to evaluate the practices we follow to be compared with the best and see what tweaks would help us more or changes might need to make for better results.
  5. Extreme Programming Explained – Kent Beck
    1. Way before knowing what agile methodology is, I read this book which changed the perspective on other ways to approach software projects. I attempted some of the basic practices of XP like pair programming in my project which was a waterfall one when I was a module lead after reading this book. First heard about the concept of Continuous Integration from this.
  6. Drive: Surprising Truth about what motivates us – Dan Pink
    1. I learned from this book that simple carrot/stick approach of motivation works to an extent beyond which only autonomy, mastery of work and purpose really drives people.
  7. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance – Robert Pirsig
    1. This is philosophy book, but beautifully written. Reason why this could be interesting is the know a different perspective of Quality – quality that is inherent in something that is beautiful, graceful – when we see something of high quality, we know it has a unique quality, but can’t name why exactly. We try to measure quality in code as no blockers, less defects, but quality has many more elements beyond it – that sense of quality in every aspect of what we do was something new to think about. It has also some perspectives on different modes of our understanding of the world which is a good mental model.
  8. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen Covey
    1. This book gave the basic idea that we do tasks that are Urgent/Not Urgent, Important / Not Important and if we don’t do more of Not Urgent / Important (long term, strategic) items, what we do will not be sustainable and eventually we will run into problems.
  9. Outliers – Malcolm Galdwell
    1. The thumbrule that it takes 10000 hours to achieve mastery in something – so it basically takes deliberate practice to become good at anything we do.
  10. Innovation and Entrepreneurship – Peter Drucker
    1. I learned the basic idea of entrepreneurship itself through this book. Examples of various kinds of ideas (from idea behind selling a razer to selling airplanes and how insurance and credit changed industries etc), sources to identify an innovative opportunity etc were interesting.
  11. Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die – Dan and Chip Heath
    1. I believe we end up pitching different kind of ideas to our customers, teams and management – for our projects, new ways of doing things, building business case for as basic as getting someone a promotion to getting budget or why we need a new project etc. How to pitch such ideas in an impactful way was a revelation. Formula for SUCCESS of an idea – succinct, unexpected / surprise, concrete, credible, emotion and stories – is a good model to adopt.
  12. Don’t make me think : A common sense approach to web usability – Steve Krug
    1. Usability of the software we work on is not just designers job – if we have a good understanding of those concepts, it will help us in building more intuitive applications and suggest better solutions.
  13. Secrets of Consulting: A Guide to Giving and Getting Advice Successfully – Gerald Weinberg
    1. We are all into consulting which we don’t realize – our customers are looking to us for giving them advice on what to do. This book had a lot of practical suggestions on how to do it effectively. One basic thing I learned is that when we are confused, frustrated or any of those emotions, stating it directly saying “I am frustrated with this, can you help me understand this better” might lead to a solution than beating around the bush.
  14. Peopleware: Productive Projects and Teams – DeMarco and Lister
    1. How to create a well jelled team (a term I picked up from this book) is something to be learned from this book. I learned about furniture police, elite teams, peter principle, parkinson’s law etc from this. Must read for anyone whether or not they manage people eventually – it helps to think about working as part of a productive team.
  15. Thinking Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman
    1. Truly an eye opener. Fundamentally about two systems of our thinking – intuitive, fast thinking which we need for many of day to day tasks vs deliberate, analytical, slow thinking to find solution to a new problem. When to use what, how do we identify biases that creeps in because of a particular mode of thinking, how to overcome etc. It gave me understanding of the decision making we do during appraisal rating to voting to doing day to day chores.
  16. How to Win Friends & Influence People – Dale Carnegie.
    1. For people like me who need to put conscious effort in navigating social circumstances compared to the natural extroverts, insights from this book helps – atleast to act like an extrovert when needed.

fiction

Below are the books I have read and liked. I need to build a list of fiction to read - something that is well written, good story, characters and their unique worlds, unputdownable, something that stays in mind a few days after I finish it and something that gives a different perspective on life and people. 

I wish there were recommendation from friends (than Goodreads and Amazon recommendations) which are genuine than a machine recommendation, wider in variety and expands the range than what I might find on my own or just stumble upon. 

Read and liked so far:-
  1. The great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
  2. Brave New World- Aldous Huxley
  3. Catch-22- Joseph Heller
  4. On the Road - Jack Kerouac
  5. The Catcher in the rye - J.D. Salinger
  6. The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway
  7. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
  8. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
  9. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  10. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
  11. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
  12. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
  13. The Trial - Franz Kafka
  14. Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
  15. Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
  16. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith
  17. Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand
  18. Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
  19. Sidhhartha - Herman Hesse
  20. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
  21. Bonfire of the Vanities - Tom Wolfe
  22. Carry On, Jeeves - P.G. Wodehouse
  23. Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gibert
  24. The god of small things - Arundhati Roy
  25. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
  26. Watchmen - Alan Moore
  27. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
  28. Fear and loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S. Thompson
  29. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
  30. Tuesday's with Morrie - Mitch Albom

classical and romantic understanding

"Zen and art of motorcycle maintenance" by Robert Pirsig is my favorite book. I need to figure out exactly why I think so - but it must be due to couple of things - the writing itself which I think is beautiful even though it is philosophy, secondly the perspectives of quality - I got the concept of quality inherent in any thing or act or person that cannot be named through this book.

One other aspect I need to dig up and connect some other dots is about difference in people's worldview. I think there are people who can be largely classified as classical and romantic based on their predominant disposition like the quote from the book below (highlight is mine). Reproducing the full quote here to give the complete context.  Bit more commentary continues after the quote.   
I want to divide human understanding into two kinds...classical understanding and romantic understanding.
A classical understanding sees the world primarily as underlying form itself. A romantic understanding sees it primarily in terms of immediate appearance. If you were to show an engine or a mechanical drawing or electronic schematic to a romantic it is unlikely he would see much of interest in it. It has no appeal because the reality he sees is its surface. Dull, complex lists of names, lines and numbers. Nothing interesting. But if you were to show the same blueprint or schematic or give the same description to a classical person he might look at it and then become fascinated by it because he sees that within the lines and shapes and symbols is a tremendous richness of underlying form.
The romantic mode is primarily inspirational, imaginative, creative, intuitive. Feelings rather than facts predominate. "Art" when it is opposed to "Science" is often romantic. It does not proceed by reason or by laws. It proceeds by feeling, intuition and esthetic conscience. In the northern European cultures the romantic mode is usually associated with femininity, but this is certainly not a necessary association.
The classic mode, by contrast, proceeds by reason and by laws...which are themselves underlying forms of thought and behavior. In the European cultures it is primarily a masculine mode and the fields of science, law and medicine are unattractive to women largely for this reason. Although motorcycle riding is romantic, motorcycle maintenance is purely classic. The dirt, the grease, the mastery of underlying form required all give it such a negative romantic appeal that women never go near it.
Although surface ugliness is often found in the classic mode of understanding it is not inherent in it. There is a classic esthetic which romantics often miss because of its subtlety. The classic style is straightforward, unadorned, unemotional, economical and carefully proportioned. Its purpose is not to inspire emotionally, but to bring order out of chaos and make the unknown known. It is not an esthetically free and natural style. It is esthetically restrained. Everything is under control. Its value is measured in terms of the skill with which this control is maintained.
To a romantic this classic mode often appears dull, awkward and ugly, like mechanical maintenance itself. Everything is in terms of pieces and parts and components and relationships. Nothing is figured out until it’s run through the computer a dozen times. Everything’s got to be measured and proved. Oppressive. Heavy. Endlessly grey. The death force. Within the classic mode, however, the romantic has some appearances of his own. Frivolous, irrational, erratic, untrustworthy, interested primarily in pleasure-seeking. Shallow. Of no substance. Often a parasite who cannot or will not carry his own weight. A real drag on society. By now these battle lines should sound a little familiar.
This is the source of the trouble. Persons tend to think and feel exclusively in one mode or the other and in doing so tend to misunderstand and underestimate what the other mode is all about. But no one is willing to give up the truth as he sees it, and as far as I know, no one now living has any real reconciliation of these truths or modes. There is no point at which these visions of reality are unified.
And so in recent times we have seen a huge split develop between a classic culture and a romantic counterculture...two worlds growingly alienated and hateful toward each other with everyone wondering if it will always be this way, a house divided against itself. No one wants it really...despite what his antagonists in the other dimension might think.
I think it will be good for people to know what their predominant understanding is - whether is classical or romantic. As the author says, it is not always one or zero - there are lot of grey. Once we know where we tilt towards, we need to figure out ways to unify - ways to switch over consciously to the other side, to understand the other perspective and to force ourselves to acquire skills that help us to understand both the aesthetic and the inner workings. 

I think that a person who is driven by emotions and  intuition primarily must realize that and make a conscious effort to understand the reason and facts and vice versa. There is beauty in both. It is like an engineer who is creative and have artistic tendencies or a dreamer who wants to get into the details of something beneath the skin of it.  

I feel there is similar awareness needed in other aspects too - introvert and extrovert personalities for example trying to imitate the other side to suit different social situations. I need to explore that also a little more and also see if there is a connection to people having predominantly right wing ideology vs left wing also - whether it proceeds from their understanding of the world and their default disposition - like artists tend to be left leaning and CEOs tend to be right leaning. It might be generalization and stereotyping, but I think it has to do with predominant side of someone's brain and hence the world view/understanding one has developed. Something to think about further. 

Underdogs

I have almost always picked the underdogs and the problem with that is disappointment. Supremely confident, highly skilled, well prepared winners who will make it though always don't need much support anyway. 

What leads us to root for underdogs? Is it our own deficiencies, inferiority complex and insecurities of that we project on to the weaker candidate and want them to win for our own sake? When the underdog wins, do we feel we have a chance to win as well? When they lose, do we think yes, it is just like the hard life for most out there and live with it? Or is it truly empathy for those who try? 


I would like to believe, being human is to support those who may not be perfect, but who try hard. Who may not act like something rightfully belongs to them, not act like they are entitled to it. But their failures and shortcomings are visible, their effort and fight too. I need to prepared to be heartbroken because they will fail, but need to find happiness in how far they would have come in that process too. It will always be progress when someone tries, each try should take them farther to the goal. 

the way music used to make me feel

I came across this tweet a few days back, which is like one of those we say “Yes!” to, someone had put into words something we are also feel...