random ramblings

On the edge From clutter in the mind Unfinished, postponed and ignored obligations Shutting it out Buzz in the ears From disturbed sleep Absorbing all foul vibes Tired eyes too Warning impending doom From inevitable falls Shattering the illusions Ringing alarm bells Weight on the chest From broken promises Unreal, unspoken expectations Ignore and forget

Perceptions Turn a good thing into rotten Sinking bit by bit Like a quagmire Shout more Try to reason Empty screams Not heard Sharpen the skills Change the rhetoric Think different Hope against hope Keep fighting? Wait for a miracle? Luck to turn? Glass half full?

Came across some recurring themes about friendship in different articles that I was reading. I have had such “deep friendship of intimate conversations” from childhood to now, but none of it lasted lifelong. I have had friends whom we never thought we will ever drift apart (no blood pact or anything). There could be many excuses – of moving, different schools, college, locations, people moving away for better life conditions, long distance friendships not sustaining etc. I have been steadily losing friends – most due to people deciding to move abroad (typical Malayali syndrome), getting restless in their jobs and wanting a change and then it becoming hi-hello once in a while. Idea of a life-long true friend is alluring. Solitude and Leadership – speech by William Deresiewicz But I’m talking about one kind of friendship in particular, the deep friendship of intimate conversation. Long, uninterrupted talk with one other person. Not Skyping with three people and texting with tw...

I was discussing Buddhism with a friend today and debating whether Nirvana state is a worthwhile target – why get free from all the desires and suffering since many of these is what makes us human. Why transcend being human while we are living this life? It could be a naïve thought. But I was thinking if I would let go of below emotions if I had a choice.. Feeling that I am not giving my daughter enough love and wanting to give her a hug Missing someone so much that it puts a weight on the chest Seeing someone so genuine and feel happy about having met them Feeling tensed for no reason or too many reasons piling up Stepping out to the sun at noon, a cold breeze and feeling healthy and happy Laughing till the eyes tear up and back aches Feeling of accomplishment after doing something well Screaming silently at myself for doing or saying something stupid Acute embarrassment in facing people and saying things I don’t believe in Physical pain like a small electric ...

For past few years, I have been catching up on English short stories, mostly online. It gave me company many days, long travels, waiting in airports. Listed down below a few that I bookmarked. Hope to keep adding to this.  Two Men Arrive in a Village – Zadie Smith The Embassy of Cambodia – Zadie Smith For Esme with Love and Squalor – J D Salinger  ( wrote about this earlier ) A Perfect day for Bananafish – J D Salinger (Nine Stories here) The Lady with the Little Dog – Anton Chekhov About Love – Anton Chekhov Gooseberries – Anton Chekhov The Huntsman – Anton Chekhov Ward No. 6 – Anton Chekhov (wrote about this earlier ) Amundsen – Alice Munro The View from Castle Roc – Alice Munro   Passion – Alice Munro A Jury of Her Peers – Susan Glaspell A New England Nun – Mary E Wilkins Freeman Little Girl Afraid of a Dog – Mary E Wilkins Freeman One Good Time – Mary E Wilkins Freeman The ...

Finished reading “On The Move” - autobiography by Oliver Sacks. Two hours of it in the morning today, a bright day, with no distractions and reading through the best parts of the book, was bliss. I got to know about him first through radiolab podcasts . Watched the movie “Awakenings” based on his book by the same name (his character played by Robin Williams in the movie – exceptional talent) and had read some of his essays and TED talk . An amazing human being – I wonder how people can be so passionate, dedicated, curious, childlike, meticulous, full of energy and genuine. While the autobiography could be dragging in parts for those with not so much interest in science and medical writing, knowing his story and the context, it was interesting to me. Few good quotes from the book. It was sort of continuation of my thought from yesterday about why people write and the process through which writers go through. Highlighter also reminded about Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk – the ...

For past few days I have been trying to build a habit to write something, anything, every day. No reason why I came to that resolution. I realize that at times when the emotions run high, the creative juices flow and I need an outlet. But can't say for sure that is the reason. I guess any creative process, whether it is doodling on paper or playing something on an instrument, leads to a sort of dopamine hit, gives a bit of satisfaction. I don't have a set process or time, but I end up doing this as last act of the day. It may be the least productive or creative time though, so the struggle to stare at a blank page and write something might be higher. Cognitive resources are at low, having used up a lot during the day in seemingly endless context switching that is typical in what I do. Especially at end of a week as well - Friday night - crashes the brain. Now even in this situation, if something comes down to the page, it still gives a small dose of satisfaction which can...