I am becoming somewhat nostalgic about bright sunshine and blue sky. I can't seem to shake off the thought that precious moments or prime time of my life is getting wasted inside office, under artificial light, facing a wall cabinet or a cubicle separator, like a chicken waiting to hatch an egg. I happen to go out today morning, it was good day, cold but sunny. I felt bit envious of people who were walking in the streets - nobody is in a hurry to reach somewhere by some fixed time. It is absolutely liberated feeling - to travel in an empty train just looking out, without worrying about anything. I am having dreams about going out on a long ride with soft music playing in the background through deserted straight roads, landscapes changing from vast harvested fields, beautiful lawns with a sprinkle of autumn leaves on vibrant green grass or filled with mountains, valleys and occasional lakes - all taken out of movies, but it need not be that perfect. Nowadays my "happy place" is where I lie down without moving a muscle for a long time.

I wrote the above paragraph a week back, now I think I get a rotten smell like something kept out in the open for too long. I have rejected quite a lot like this now and the blog breaks are getting longer, almost at the verge of stopping it altogether. This blog is exactly one year old now, I was planning an anniversary blog some time back, but now just this will do. I haven’t been able to find a clear direction about what I want to write or why, but I think I will just do justice to the apt title which I had chosen. Meanwhile I got a professional feedback that I need to be more succinct. I just don’t like to edit, it is like trying to perfect something by cutting off some parts and adding something that seems more appropriate or beautiful thereby polluting the pure product. If I do that, sometimes the end product will be unnatural. I do like to ramble and maybe I am thinking that my only audience is myself. For a long time, I used to think that I have developed this companion inside me whom I can talk to, argue with, criticize and who can see everything that is tactfully hidden to outer world. Now I think sometimes as I am writing in the blog, going back over the text and correcting some thoughts, clarifying to myself, like keeping a never-ending autobiography. Unorganised thoughts may be my characteristics, I am hoping that one day it will all crystallize dramatically and be clear to myself and then I will attain my dream of that mature, rugged man – content and at peace with the world.

I really need to learn "writing with heart and then going back and rewriting with brain".


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