reality

"Perceptions rule the world."

feeling that has no name

There needs to be more words to describe some feelings. Like some random forwards about a single German word or Japanese word describing a feeling that can only be expressed in a sentence in English and still be incomplete.

Like what do you call that feeling that comes every time I see the sky darkening, silence descending, with occasional cries of a bird, a cold breeze, announcing impending rain?  It used to be one distinct feeling, but now with aftermath of what happened in Kerala, I am not sure if it will remain the same. When it just sprinkled the other day, my wife was commenting that now every time there is a mention of rain, it will remind of Ms Rita’s front room that leaks.  

Or the feeling of tightening in the chest of not being able to do anything, not feeling like doing anything, feeling like nothing is worth doing and all is in vain? That cloak of doom should be shaken with a coffee, sharing the wordly worries and have a good laugh with a friend.

Or the feeling of being accused of something and instead of arguing and making it worse, keeping silent, fully knowing that it is quite the opposite and the karma will catch up and reward me later.

Or the feeling of not telling someone about something knowing that it will hurt them, but at the same time not able to do much to prevent it from happening.

Or the feeling of embarking on something not knowing the path, not knowing whether it will succeed, not knowing answers to all the questions, but all the while feeling like it may lead to something wonderful or it may be a spectacular failure.

I should be able to say – yes, I am feeling “this” now, rather than the whole sentences above.

lullaby

What is good to read or hear or watch just before going to bed? I think just right at night is bittersweet. In the morning, need something that can warm the bones and the blood, get the mind hopeful and body ready to run the race of the day. At the end of the day, when one more day has passed away, what is needed is not too happy and not too sad. To cool down the racing mind and to put one to sleep. If I find what is just right, I should put that on endless repeat until I am ready.

Ms Rita

They said her house is In the small alley next to the ex-Minister’s bungalow. They said It is a big house and the yard will be clean since she would have plucked out all the weeds. She stays alone, she is strong willed even though her memory started fading. So if we go in such late evening hour, she may not even open the gate and even if she opens the gate she may not recognize. But we thought we will still try. She had taught my wife moral science for one year, she teaches History normally. Their batch recently collected some money for her. On our way my wife was thinking what to give her, whether there was an envelope. She does everything properly – I wouldn’t have thought of such things. Finally she found some envelopes in her 10 kg handbag that she carries everywhere. It has everything that is needed in any kind of emergencies – from torchlight to stapler. The envelopes were already labeled “Onamshasakal”, which she had written up to give small gifts to anyone who gives any sort of service to us – ladies who collect garbage, Chakki’s bus driver, shopkeeper from whom we buy milk every day. She wanted to add “From all of us”, but did not find a black ink pen, to match the “Onamshasakal”.  Chakki was impatient to finish this off since we were using the time she thought she had to go to the beach.

We parked the car on the side of the road, in front of closed shops – old ones, like the old ration shops, with wooden paneled doors, with tiled roof. First house in the alley on the left was padlocked. It had peeled off paint, but the board on the wall said it was a nursery. Bush taller than me were growing all around the house. Next house looked serene, with a nice yard. I said this is the kind of house I would like to live in. “Yeah, right, next to abandoned houses and plots” came the reply. A house on the left was also locked, overgrown trees, bushes and grass around. We passed another house on the left, we thought that was also abandoned. There was a guy standing ahead of us, looking at us, questioningly as to what we were looking for at this hour. We asked him where her house was. He was on phone and in between pointed at the house which we thought was abandoned. There were knee high grass growing around the house. We noticed then that a light was on inside. Knocked on the gate a few times. I heard an inner door inside getting unlocked. She opened the top half of the door to peer outside. My wife called out “Miss, it is me”. She opened up the door, came out and unlocked the gate. My wife introduced. “Yes, I remember you and your sister. Come in.”. She said she remembers the best students and the worst.   

She was as tall as Chakki. Bobbed hair, mostly white but combed neatly. She might be 80 or 85, did not know exactly. She was wearing a frock like the traditional Anglo-Indians in that area. Her frock was faded and frayed. She was too thin, skin like wrinkled wax. We went into the sitting room. Three wooden chairs, an old showcase with some dusty ornamental show pieces inside. Paint has peeled off, showing yellow and blue and white at places. Slanted wooden ceiling had yellow patches, no ceiling fan. I tried to close the door, but the grills above it would anyway bring in the mosquitoes. Three basins were kept next to the showcase. There were old black and white pictures behind her on the wall. There was an yellow light burning inside somewhere and the rooms were dark.

She dragged a chair and sat facing us. She said her memory is ok. She said she is blind in one eye and can’t see much with the other. She has cataract and glaucoma, she talked about going to eye hospitals 10 years back, prepared to do the surgery and the doctors told her that her nerves were too weak and can’t do surgery and she returned home the same day. They told her she would gradually become blind. Now she can’t read anything other than the headlines in newspaper. She doesn’t watch TV during the day and in the evening tries to watch 7:30 serial. She doesn’t go out at all these days, even to the church. Once in three days, a nephew brings her some provisions. She cooks rice and boiled vegetables in the morning around 11. She will have something left for the dinner which she will heat up. She sleeps around 10, otherwise she may not be able to sleep through the night. She was worrying about the grass growing in the yard. It will take 4 days for someone to clean around the hose and they charge Rs 850 these days for one day of labor. She says there are snakes around, she saw three of them in the back yard, it crosses over the road from other empty plots.

She said the rains were terrible, had never seen anything like this in her life. Her front room leaks. She had to remove the ceiling fan since it burned out. It explains the basins and the peeled off paint. She had to sweep out the standing water three times during the rainy days. She had the tiles replaced with a patch of GI sheet, but it made the leak worse. Now they say they have to replace the entire section to fix it properly. The house is 60 years old, built by her father. It was red stone and lime, not concrete or hollow bricks. She is worried if the entire house will collapse. Ex-minister’s high wall collapsed to her back yard in recent rains and now they are re-building it.

We wondered about the pictures on the wall. She pointed out her mother and father and herself when she got the B.Ed – looking so bright. She wanted to see the pictures of other teachers that my wife had in her phone. She looked at each picture, commented about each. She speaks in matter of fact tone, about everything. About her only sister dying 10 years back after getting gangrene in a leg, getting amputed and passing away in a month and not being able to see her. About even waiting for every day as the last day.

It was dark out when we started from there. We promised Chakki to take her to the beach some other day. My wife was commenting that we should have just cleaned out our wallets and given everything we had on us to her.

Would I live so calmly if I was losing my eyesight and alone? What happens to everyone we know now when it is fading hours of our lives? Who will remember us and does it even matter then?

psychological biases

Listened to the full speech by Charlie Munger (text). I think there are cheat sheets of cognitive biases that I need to add into my mental model and thinking system. Munger talks about psychological biases which we need to be aware of in our own behavior and also would be good to know in dealing with others – if we use these to engineer common good (not to manipulate for evil purposes).

1. Power of incentives – using incentives to drive behavior. But I guess carrot / stick might work only to certain extent (learning from “Drive”). Examples - FedEx starting night shift allowance which allowed them to get people for night shifts. Reinforcement.
2. Simple psychological denial - "The reality is too painful to bear, so you just distort it until it's bearable." A mom refusing to believe her son is dead.
3. “Bias from consistency and commitment tendency, including the tendency to avoid or promptly resolve cognitive dissonance. Includes the self-confirmation tendency of all conclusions, particularly expressed conclusions, and with a special persistence for conclusions that are hard-won.”

“Human mind is a lot like the human egg, and the human egg has a shut-off device. When one sperm gets in, it shuts down so the next one can't get in. The human mind has a big tendency of the same sort.
if you make a public disclosure of your conclusion, you're pounding it into your own head.” 

“The Chinese brainwashing system, which was for war prisoners, was way better than anybody else's. They maneuvered people into making tiny little commitments and declarations, and then they'd slowly build.”

4. “Bias from Pavlovian association, misconstruing past correlation as a reliable basis for decision-making.” Dog salivates when bell rings. Operant conditioning.
5. Bias from reciprocation tendency – do a small favor first and ask for return, increases chance of others reciprocating.
6. Bias from over-influence by social proof, that is, the conclusions of others, particularly under conditions of natural uncertainty and stress. Following what the community / group does or does not do.
7. Bias from contrast caused distortions of sensation, perception, and cognition. Frog dying in water that is slowly getting heated. People dipping their hand in room temperature water after dipping first in hot or cold feels room temperature water is vice versa. Contrast. Overprice first, then show medium price and people accept.
8. Bias from over-influence by authority. Milgram prisoner torture experiment. Co-pilot doesn't call out pilot's obvious faults in 25% cases.
9. Bias from Deprival Super Reaction Syndrome, including bias caused by present or threatened scarcity, including threatened removal of something almost possessed but never possessed. Scarcity bias. People do not react symmetrically to loss and gain. 
10. Bias from envy/jealousy
11. Bias from gambling compulsion
12. Bias from liking distortion, including the tendency to especially like oneself, one's own kind, and one's own idea structures, and the tendency to be especially susceptible to being mislead by someone liked.
13. Bias from disliking distortion. The reciprocal of liking distortion and the tendency not to learn appropriately from someone disliked.
14. “Bias from the non-mathematical nature of the human brain in its natural state as it deals with probabilities employing crude heuristics and is often mislead by mere contrast. The tendency to overweigh conveniently available information and other psychological rooted mis-thinking tendencies on this list when the brain should be using the simple probability mathematics of Fermat and Pascal, applied to all reasonably attainable and correctly weighted items of information that are of value in predicting outcomes. 
15. Bias from over-influence by extra vivid evidence.
16. “Mental confusion caused by information not arrayed in the mind and theory structures creating sound generalizations, developed in response to the question why. Also mis-influence from information that apparently but not really answers the question why. Also failure to obtain deserved influence caused by not properly explaining why.
    You've got to array facts on theory structures answering the question why. If you don't do that, you cannot handle the world.
    You want to persuade somebody, you really tell them why. And what did we learn in lesson one? Incentives really matter. Vivid evidence really works.”

“The clear answer is the combination greatly increases power to change behavior, compared to the power of merely one tendency acting alone.“ Multiple factors from above can combine in a transaction.  

persian messengers and deaf leaders

I was thinking about someone who is the only deliverer of bad news in a team and a leader who doesn’t want to hear bad news. Chanced upon below quote from the speech – “Psychology of Human Misjudgment” by Charlie Munger (audio).

  

Now you've got Persian messenger syndrome. The Persians really did kill the messenger who brought the bad news. You think that is dead? I mean you should've seen Bill Paley in his last 20 years. He didn't hear one damn thing he didn't want to hear. People knew that it was bad for the messenger to bring Bill Paley things he didn't want to hear. Well that means that the leader gets in a cocoon of unreality, and this is a great big enterprise, and boy, did he make some dumb decisions in the last 20 years.

And now the Persian messenger syndrome is alive and well.

I am hearing the drumbeat about Charlie Munger in every Farnam Street podcast – one after other, everyone interviewed in that podcast seems to be a Charlie Munger fan. I need to read up more about him – I did not realize someone like is partner of Warren Buffet. Everyone has heard of the Oracle of Omaha, but may not about Munger. Other repeated reference that cannot be avoided is the book “Influence” by Robert Cialdini which is in my list for long. But Munger cites the book as one that filled the holes in his understanding of human psychology and behavior. The book went up in my toread list. Both could add to my understanding of working with irrational people.

Back to Persian messenger and deaf leader. I think this could be one of the crippling problems of leadership and cause of the misery in the world caused by such leaders.

I met an Architect with Kerala’s public works department (PWD) today. He was talking about ministers and secretaries in government going through similar deaf ear problem. We were talking about the recent flood disaster, environmental protection and government’s understanding of the issues. He said some of these officials are quite intelligent, practical, disciplined leaders. But they surround themselves with technical advisors who are yes men and can’t take criticism or difficult messages which will further curtail people from speaking up. In meetings even if you bring up an opposing view in most diplomatic form, he will get kicked under the table by his seniors to shut up or the minister will explicitly cut off and ask someone else to comment. This behavior will reinforce itself and people will stop talking. It seems the minister took an year to understand the difference between role of architecture and structural engineering in PWD since he wasn’t ready to listen or learn.

Now with these kind of leaders and administration, how do we get lasting change for the better? With such leaders in our corporations and government, what hope do we have for a better world? It is said that the leaders of large organizations have psychopathic tendencies, empathy which allowed them to create successful networks and coalitions dies as they climb up the ladder and nature of their jobs (working insane hours, pushing people to deliver against impossible timelines, pressure to show results) necessitate them to be ruthless. How do we keep them in check – whether they are learning, someone is able to give them dose of reality and criticize and give them the bad news.

topics to read

These are some topics I need to read up and research further.

• How to work with irrational people more effectively and get things done? What to use when logic fails? Sometimes we prepare perfectly logical arguments which we think should be understood and accepted by people and we will get the logical outcome, but it doesn’t happen that way. Egos, prejudices and biases creep in and it goes haywire. After one or two steps, logical outcomes may become impossible to achieve.
• What makes some people more thoughtful, disciplined and achieve consistent outcomes? I see people with years of experience produce sloppy outcomes in some cases and execute some things well? What drives perfection? Is it possible to change?
• What makes people lean to left or right of political spectrum? Is it nature or nurture? Is it their brains or upbringing?
• What is the limit of nurture? Inherent talent and intelligence vs acquired expertise – is the gap insurmountable?
• How to mentor introverts and extroverts differently? What are the limits of both and how / where to use their skills and nature most effectively? I started reading “Quiet” by Susan Cain, need to finish and find some answers to this.

beliefs

I read somewhere that believing in any ideology too deeply to the extent of being dogmatic about it is going to be a problem. Whether it is capitalism, socialism, religions, political parties, organizations etc. I guess we need to have clarity on our principles and values that are immutable – like honesty, integrity, equality, humility. We probably should not take a centrist view on everything just to be politically correct and taking apparent merits of both sides of every argument. We can lean to one side based on our values, but needs to keep the eyes and ears open to what the other side is saying.

I say all this due to the increasing political divide in my community. I see my childhood friends, people who I played , studied or worked with, moving to extreme opposite sides of the political spectrum. Every argument they make is tinged with their ideology which is obvious to a third party, but they will never agree that they are prejudiced in any way. Their arguments are reinforced within the echo chamber that they are in. They don’t follow, listen, read or watch anything with opposing arguments long enough.

I read Charlie Munger’s quote “I never allow myself to hold an opinion on anything that I don't know the other side's argument better than they do”. I would like to understand some of the arguments of opposite side deeper, why are they making that argument, what motivates them and why is it still wrong.

moments of a life

I attended a marriage ceremony today, a simple function that I enjoyed attending after a long time – usually our kind of marriages (in Kerala) are just show pieces that are meaningless (or today I made up some meaning from it). For example, I watched the groom take blessings from an elder in the family. His father had made it a point to break off the groom from the procession which was taking him to the mandap, take blessing from this person and proceed. I thought he genuinely touched the person’s feet, asked for blessings and received it. It was someone with a head full of clean white hair, who knew him probably as an just born infant to a man that is standing before him, entering a new life. For some reason, hairs on my arm stood up.

I was thinking if people realize that such moments, of taking or giving the blessings before you start a huge leap in your life, tying the knot, are once in a lifetime which makes it big moments. How do we get them imprinted in our memories – being fully present, realizing the “power of now”, mental images with the intensity of feelings that we felt at that time – than the still photos. I used to think about this when I say final farewell to friends who move away – often they don’t realize this may be the last time we see each other for years and when we see each other after those years, we may not be exactly be the same. So the last time we see each other with such a closeness that we mutually feel is now. From that point, the relationship fades into a maybe a nostalgic one which we both hope is the same as the one we really had at one time. Hence the final farewell is a significant moment for me, but I usually see both of us just saying we will keep in touch and walk away. Same is the case about moments with my daughter. I may never feel her innocence just the same, or her joy of simple things, or silly jokes, or non-sensical questions in the same way later. I hope to being more present in the moment, with full attention, enjoy and cherish such moments.

conversational dance, contd..

Someone asks a simple question. We think twice/thrice about the answer and give an answer that not just addresses the direct question, but also the implicit imagined questions and potential followup questions. I think it is in Gregory Bateson’s “Steps to an Ecology of Mind” that I read that someone’s seemingly harmless statement about something is evaluated by us what does that indicate for his relationship to me. Sometimes we answer with something that the other person will also know that it was an answer for some other question which was not explicitly asked, but we both don’t acknowledge that such a upspoken question was hanging in the air. 

I guess it happens even more in email/chat where we analyze the questions and responses more, than talking. I also think with total strangers such analysis doesn’t happen and also there is no need to do that with people that we love – in first case we don’t care enough and in last case we both have a firm understanding of the relationship already.

short links

Blind – an anonymous corporate social network. I think the biggest use of this will be to give true feedback to people. Such platforms have huge downside as well – but it is the kind of downside if we hear others thoughts without filters. I think most of the wastage in large corporates is due to people not being able to communicate their challenges freely with each other. Much effort and time goes in maneuvering such a tangle and get something done. There are people who will never ever know what is wrong with them because no one can tell them directly what is wrong with them. “Give a man a mask and he will tell you the truth”. It is true also that even when we know the truth about ourselves, we may rationalize and continue the same way. But still, by any chance, if people use such feedback to get better, it will be a huge improvement – individually and for corporations to get things done.

Why software development requires servant leaders – I was alone for lunch today and had couple of good articles to keep me company. I shared this with a few colleagues and later someone did a quiz which had a question on who is a servant leader – my version of deja vu. I have come to believe that this is the right way to lead. I also think such leaders may not climb the corporate ladder, data yet to prove me wrong.

Stop hiring for culture fit – I think it is time to redefine HR (in fact none of the divisions to should operate “typically”). HR function should be done by a business person and should rotate. Hiring is such a pivotal role in building a team and we don’t spend enough time learning how to correctly assess people in a short time. I think it will great to have clarity on the characteristics / qualities of people we want in a team.

nightmare

When exactly did it become so big? A disaster happening step by step, we are in the picture and being aware of it slowly. When we are in an accident, time is supposed to slow down and we see everything happening but go with it since nothing else can be done. Kerala is seeing the biggest natural disaster so far in my lifetime. I see it happening, but when did I feel the pinch? I still may not have felt its full impact. But I see the people whose loved ones are stuck somewhere in the unknown, trying desperately to reach them, their panic in not knowing where they are and how they are doing and helplessness in not being able to do anything. I heard people watched the disaster unfold in the TV one day and next day flood water is on their door step. It rises inch by inch.

Concern in people’s voices, their genuine effort, eagerness to help in anyway possible – all this restores the faith in humanity. Even while there are some who still find ways to further their agenda and mischief in middle of all this. Government is in control, every available resource is put into helping people, administrators and volunteers are working round the clock and good samaritans in social media are working to share information and coordinate rescue efforts.

I used to think about the rising feeling seeing the sky darken, air getting cooler and the silence before the rain starts – will the feeling change seeing the havoc it causes? With day after day of dark clouds, hearing the rain rushing outside the window increases the anxiety whether the misery in the state will get any worse than what it is today.

I hope we get out of this as stronger people.

pendulum

Take any topic that seems interesting, obsess about it, build up the maze in the mind and keep going through layers and layers inside. The simulation in the mind starts to deviate from reality, either to the excited level or to the depression state. Preset rules are broken by emotion and impulse. How will it be brought back to equilibrium? Rude shocks of reality can bring it back, but then it might have caused some damage. Well meaning warning by someone close can point out the aberration, unless offense is taken where there is none meant. Self talk can do the trick, but such a strong mind which keeps it in check might not have allowed it to deviate in the first place. Blessed are those who either don’t move too far off the normal state either because they don’t burden themselves with too much thinking or those who sees the world clearly and have made their peace with it in all aspects.

Amelia Boone - Farnam Street podcast

Long time back, one of my team mates would say as a reason of coming late most mornings that he couldn’t muster the energy in the morning, had to warm up and crank the engine. I had joked with him to drink less the previous night, as a solution, nothing else is needed to charge him up every morning. But today was one of those days for me. I don’t laze around in the morning, I get into the rhythm and go through the motions, so won’t be sloppy, but some days are like that. I searched around to see what I can read which will put me in the mood and give me a little push – of self reflection, new ideas and get the creative juices flowing a bit. Didn’t find much, gave up and started from home for office. I had seen a photo of Amelia Boone with her 70 year old dad liked by someone in my twitter feed and remembered that I had downloaded her interview in Farnam street podcast. I put that on and started driving to office. It totally lifted my spirits, I was stopping multiple times on my way to make notes and smiled at some points. It was such a treat. Her accent, passion/joy/smile/laugh in the voice, made it all the more enjoyable. Host, Shane, was clearly enjoying this conversation.

When I listen to such podcasts, I get some connected ideas – some to try in my work, some for personal improvement. Few notes from this podcast..

• She talked about stopping an reflecting in the middle of a “death race”, on why is she doing this and about quitting. Just focus on the next step – one step at a time – is a good advice. Life lesson itself – focus on today and get through it.
• Focus on the process, the effort and enjoy the journey. Mindset that results don’t matter.
• Trust your process, don’t be forced to run someone else’s race – changing the pace in the initial part of the race to catchup with someone, while knowing that you usually close well and need to keep energy for that.
• You don’t have a right to something, don’t be entitled. I feel people don’t have beginner mindsets these days, they approach new job or new assignments with a sense of entitlement. Just because of their years of experience and position, they should be at this level and assuming they know it all. It is such a blocker for some people who could have done great things to not even try something new or due to such entitled attitude others don’t feel like giving them that chance.
• Don’t be too hard on myself, be kind with myself. Be gentle. Self talk.
• Listening to same songs for 5 years, same song on repeat – song becomes background music to thinking. I used to study like this in college.
• Kids doing chores from age 6, earning pocket money, working through high school and college. Sense of ownership. I think India and East not having such a culture is causing our kids to have a false sense of entitlement, not appreciate value of work and earning for oneself.
• Wondered what would be my super productive hours in day
• Her hack of putting an item in the TODO list that can be checked off is nice way to show progress to myself than staring at a full list

recent reads

Few recent reads:-

Real Word vs Book Knowledge: Morgan Housel is someone I started following recently. Listened to his interview in Farnam Street podcast as well. This article was very apt for a debate that I was having with a colleague. We started a library within our team. Few folks pooled in money and we bought around 25 books which are some of the best in the areas where we all should be picking up skills, that will be useful in our work. In that context, argument was about bookish knowledge vs someone surprising us with their practical wisdom. I have no doubt there will be people who haven’t read widely, but will have brilliant insights. But it cannot be a “Vs”, not a “either / or” qn. One without the other will be incomplete. Also people use the excuse that they have real world knowledge to justify why they don’t read. In general, I think reading is on a decline (atleast among my acquaintances) and it could be one of the reasons for the rising social ills.

What is Love? : I think this could be one of the best articles I have read about love, to the extent I searched who might have written this in the Book of Life (could be Alain de Botton). Our innermost thoughts cannot be expressed without significant editing. We cannot truly be ourselves without shocking others. It is only with the loved ones can we be free – our weirdness, weaknesses, vulnerabilities can be tolerated and we can be without pretenses.

Epitaph to a Dog by Byron: below lines is a good prelude to the next article. When we love, it is truly love or is it just lust? Are our friendships meaningful, do we care deep enough or is it to pass time and avoid being lonely? Are we speaking the truth all (or even most of) the time? Our capability to deceive ourselves and others in sophisticated ways, sometimes even without us realizing consciously, might be a skill the animals may not have acquired.

While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.
Oh man! thou feeble tenant of an hour,
Debas’d by slavery, or corrupt by power,
Who knows thee well, must quit thee with disgust,
Degraded mass of animated dust!
Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat,
Thy tongue hypocrisy, thy heart deceit!
By nature vile, ennobled but by name,
Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.

Is Your Emotional Intelligence Authentic or Self Serving? : this is something worth thinking about. Is my humility real? I pride myself in listening well, but do I change my mind based on what I hear? I think I can feel other’s pain, but then do I impose myself in trying to help? Do I want someone’s approval all the time to reassure myself?

ആനഡോക്ടര്‍

“നൂറു സിംഹാസനങ്ങള്‍”ക്ക് ശേഷം ജയമോഹന്‍റെ “ആനഡോക്ടര്‍” വായിച്ചു. പല വരികളും, ഉപമകളും, മനുഷ്യന്‍റെ വികാരങ്ങളെ കൃത്യമായി വരച്ചു വച്ചിരിക്കുന്നത് പോലെ ഉണ്ട്.

Yuval Harari യുടെ Sapiens അടുത്തിടെ വായിച്ചു. ഇത് വരെ ഞാന്‍ കാര്യമായി ആലോചിച്ചിട്ടില്ലാത്ത പല ചോദ്യങ്ങളും ആ പുസ്തകം ഉന്നയിച്ചിരുന്നു. മനുഷ്യന്‍ പല മാറ്റങ്ങളിലൂടെ ഇവിടെ വരെ എത്തിയെങ്കിലും, നമ്മള്‍ ഈ ഭൂമിയിലെ രാജാക്കന്മാരായി സ്വയം അവരോധിക്കുകയും, നമ്മളെ പോലെ അല്ലാത്ത എല്ലാ മൃഗങ്ങളെയും കൊന്നു തള്ളിയും ഇനി എത്ര കാലം. ജീവിതം കൂടുതല്‍ അനായാസവും, കൂടുതല്‍ കാലം ജീവിക്കാനും പറ്റുന്നുണ്ടെങ്കിലും, കാട്ടില്‍ പണ്ടു വേട്ടയാടിയും മറ്റും മറ്റു മൃഗങ്ങളെ പോലെ ജീവിചിരുന്നപ്പോഴെക്കാളും സന്തോഷവും സമാധാനവും പോലും ഇപ്പോള്‍ മനുഷ്യര്‍ അനുഭവിക്കുന്നുണ്ടോ എന്നും.

ഇതും അങ്ങനെ ഒരു പുനര്‍ചിന്ത ഉണ്ടാക്കുന്നുണ്ട്. കുറച്ചു കൂടെ അടിസ്ഥാന വികാര വിചാരങ്ങളിലേക്കും പോകേണ്ടതുണ്ട്. ഇപ്പോഴത്തെ സങ്കീര്‍ണമെന്നു തോന്നുന്ന പ്രശ്നങ്ങളും ആവശ്യങ്ങളും വെറും മിഥ്യാധാരണകള്‍ ആകാം. മനുഷ്യന്‍ ഒരു hunter gatherer animal ആയിരുന്നെന്നും, അന്ന് കാടിനെ കുറിച്ചും, മരങ്ങള്‍, പക്ഷി മൃഗാദികള്‍, കാലാവസ്ഥ അങ്ങനെ പലതിനെ കുറിച്ചും അവര്‍ക്കുണ്ടായിരുന്ന പല അറിവുകളും നമുക്കിന്നില്ല എന്നോര്‍ക്കുന്നത് ഇപ്പോഴത്തെ അഹങ്കാരത്തെ ഒന്ന് കുറക്കാന്‍ നല്ലതായിരിക്കും.

ഇതിലെ ഡോ. കെ യെപ്പോലുള്ള മനുഷ്യരെ ശരിക്കുള്ള ജീവിതത്തില്‍ അടുത്തറിയാന്‍ പറ്റിയാല്‍ അതൊരു വലിയ ഭാഗ്യമായിരിക്കും. ഇത് വായിച്ചു കഴിഞ്ഞാല്‍ കാടിനെ ഇനി പുതിയ കണ്ണില്‍ കാണാന്‍ തുടങ്ങും.

വേദനകളെ ശ്രദ്ധിക്കുന്നതുപോലെ ധ്യാനം മറ്റൊന്നില്ല. നമ്മളാരാണ്? നമ്മുടെ ബുദ്ധി, മനസ്സ് എന്നൊക്കെ പറയുന്നതു സത്യത്തില്‍ എന്താണ്? എല്ലാം നാമറിയും. വേദന എന്നാല്‍ എന്ത്? പതിവുള്ള രീതിയില്‍നിന്ന് ദേഹം തെല്ലു മാറുന്നു. അത്രതന്നെ. വീണ്ടും പതിവിലേക്കു മടങ്ങണം എന്ന് നമ്മുടെ മനസ്സ് കിടന്നുപിടയുന്നു. അതാണ്‌ ശരിക്കുള്ള വേദന. വേദനയെ ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചു തുടങ്ങിയാല്‍ തന്നെ പകുതി യാതന ഇല്ലാതാവും. വലിയ വേദനകളുണ്ട്. മരണത്തെക്കാള്‍ ക്രൂരമായവ. മനുഷ്യന്‍ വെറും കീടമാണെന്ന് കാട്ടിതരുന്നവയാണവ.

ഒന്ന് നിന്നു ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചാല്‍ ഏതു ഭയത്തെയും കടന്നു പോകാം. ഭയം, അറപ്പ്, സംശയം, വെറുപ്പ്‌ തുടങ്ങിയവയെ നാം ഒഴിവാക്കാനാണ് എപ്പോഴും ശ്രമിക്കുന്നത്. അതുകൊണ്ട് വേണ്ടത്ര ശ്രദ്ധ കൊടുക്കാറില്ല. അശ്രദ്ധ അവയെ വളര്‍ത്തുന്നു.

നിന്‍റെ സ്നേഹം വെറും മോഹം. നിന്‍റെ സൗഹൃദം വെറും തട്ടിപ്പ്. നിന്‍റെ പുഞ്ചിരി കൃത്രിമം. നിന്‍റെ വാക്കുകളോ അര്‍ത്ഥശൂന്യം.

പലപ്പോഴും നാമറിയാത്ത കുറ്റബോധങ്ങളും നമുക്ക് ഊഹിക്കാനാവാത്ത ഗൃഹാതുരത്വങ്ങളുമാണ് മനുഷ്യരെ നല്ലവരാക്കുന്നത്. ഞാന്‍ അതില്‍ ചെന്ന് തൊടും.

ആഹ്ലാദിച്ചു ജീവിക്കുന്നവര്‍ക്ക് മാത്രമേ എന്തെങ്കിലും ചെയ്യാനാവൂ എന്നാണ് ഞാന്‍ താങ്കളില്‍നിന്ന് പഠിച്ചത്.

ഉടന്‍ എന്തെങ്കിലും നടക്കും എന്ന്‍ എനിക്ക് അഭിപ്രായമില്ല. പക്ഷേ, നമ്മള്‍ ചെയ്യേണ്ടത് ചെയ്യണം. പറഞ്ഞു കൊണ്ടേയിരിക്കണം. എവിടെയോ ചലനമുണ്ടാകും. ഗാന്ധിയില്‍ നിന്ന് പഠിക്കേണ്ട പാഠം അതാണ്‌. വിശ്വസിക്കുക, വിട്ടുകൊടുക്കാതിരിക്കുക..   

Kalki - My Indian Life

Came across Kalki Koechlin's new podcast My Indian Life. 

I had watched only two of her movies so far. First one was Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. I thought she was slightly odd - uncommon face, a unique way in which speaks. One of her interviews in The Hindu caught my attention, how thoughtful and articulate she was. Over time, watched her short films (The Thought Of You, Naked,  The Job), prose poetry performances (Noise, Printing Machine, Dear Men) and her movie “Waiting” recently. She is a creative force, refreshing, uncommon one. The risks that she is taking, using her creativity and art to speak up for social ills. I wonder if I was anywhere as mature at her age. I hope she goes a long way and goes on to do more brilliant work.

So far the two episodes of the podcast were good – first one with a male belly dancer (Eshan) and second one about an actor (Mallika) using her body and standing stark naked to challenge our thought processes and gender biases. In the first one Eshan talks about how he forgives his parents who cannot accept him since it is due to their context – it is a good way to think since there is no need for animosity towards people who cannot accept social change since they were brought up like that, it is not their fault as such. Mallika talks about us “letting our daughters just be” than “be a woman” and influencing the conversations, atleast in India there is more conversation about these issues now. Change is still far away.

I commented to a colleague while debating about the lack of time they have to read books that I cook too. Pat came her reply that doing it as a hobby is different from being expected to do it day after day – I knew that and ate my words. She followed it up by sharing this comic about household chores. I realize I don’t have a voice to talk about equality until I don’t just do my part, but share the mental load, until I do it not as a hobby.

stop.retreat

Zero philosophizing
Zero self promotion
Zero pampering and pandering

Zero boasting
Zero drama
Zero lying
Zero complaining
Zero blame
Zero playing victim
Zero wasting time
Zero exaggeration
Zero preaching
Zero impulsive reactions
Zero talking about others
Zero procrastination
Zero social media
Zero sensationalizing
Zero expectations
Zero criticism
Zero worry about things that can't be changed
Zero wallowing in despair

zombie leader

I read this speech, Solitude and Leadership, few days back. Got reminded of below excerpt from “Heart of Darkness” while thinking about middle managers in bureaucracies.

He was commonplace in complexion, in features, in manners, and in voice. He was of middle size and of ordinary build. His eyes, of the usual blue, were perhaps remarkably cold. . . . Otherwise there was only an indefinable, faint expression of his lips, something stealthy—a smile—not a smile—I remember it, but I can’t explain. . . . He was a common trader, from his youth up employed in these parts—nothing more. He was obeyed, yet he inspired neither love nor fear, nor even respect. He inspired uneasiness. That was it! Uneasiness. Not a definite mistrust—just uneasiness—nothing more. You have no idea how effective such a . . . a . . . faculty can be. He had no genius for organizing, for initiative, or for order even. . . . He had no learning, and no intelligence. His position had come to him—why? . . . He originated nothing, he could keep the routine going—that’s all. But he was great. He was great by this little thing that it was impossible to tell what could control such a man. He never gave that secret away. Perhaps there was nothing within him. Such a suspicion made one pause.

It is a dangerous kind of zombie state to bee beware of. Maintaining the status quo, policing, making sure everyone is following the rules. No place to apply creativity, not respected, not loving anything or anyone and not loved as well. Bored, going through the motions, smiling artificially, laughing along the jokes of superiors, nodding the head, appearing amused, acting all important with others. Speaking in bullshit language and since everyone speaks the same and everyone knows that the others are also bullshitting, no one being surprised with the level of bullshit that goes around. No value to transparency or honesty. Ask a question, get a roundabout answer which can be interpreted in any way. Need to fight hard against getting stuck in such a state, something should warn if we are in that sort of Matrix, need a totem like in the movie inception which reminds us that we are in a nightmare or not.

blue skin people

Read this poem yesterday. Also had this article about loneliness recently.

We will almost certainly never meet the people best qualified to understand us, but they do exist. Probably they once walked past us in the street, though neither of us had the slightest idea of the potential for connection. Or maybe they died in Sydney two weeks ago or won’t be born until the 22nd century. It isn’t a conspiracy. We would just have needed a lot more luck.

In conversations with strangers, I normally stick to the basics. Not giving anything away. Both people trying to size each other up, not really interested most of the time, transactional. For me it sometimes takes years to have a personal conversation with some unless the other person opens up first. Once we start breaking the barriers itself, the weirdness of both start to show. For some, the weirdness is apparent from initial conversation itself and we avoid each other unless it is warranted, in which case we tolerate to get the mutual goal accomplished and then move on. Once the weirdness start to show and when you know you are becoming more free than what you permit yourself with regular people, you have two choices – be vulnerable and continue with the assumption that other person appreciates, understands or atleast tolerates it or withdraw back to the shell/mask. Most often people move apart before the barriers break. If they stay put and reach the next barrier, again withdrawal vs crossing the vulnerability threshold again is a decider. I guess staying in the blue skin is the safest option and hence there will be a lot of masks wandering about all through the world.

strange day

It was a strange day. A whiff of a strike and the city shuts down. It forces me to ask for help, it feels nice to get it. Started the day with a nice dosa and lemon tea. Ending the day with kappa and mulaku. Started the day in bright spirit. Started the day reading a nice short poem forwarded by a friend. Déjà vu again having read something similar earlier in prose and wondering about it. In between, saw a rainbow after a long time. Walked in the rain a little bit. Laughed with friends. Helped some people prepare for a tough battle, thankless job. Tried solving unsolvable problems. Listened to endless problems that are turning my hair grey. Ending the day in a massive headache.

facing praise

When someone praises me, it puts me into a program error kind of situation – output freezes sometimes, I try to make my face expressionless, skip it as if I didn’t hear it and talk about something else, mumble something etc. It is not humility, it is about lack of emotional intelligence to acknowledge the praise. I should just thank even if it I don’t think it is earned and move on. Sometimes I think it is imposter syndrome playing a part where I don’t think deep down I deserve the praise, sometimes it is truly not deserved and people just say things to make you happy, but sometimes there maybe some truth to it.

It all came back to me today when someone did the same thing. I thought the person thoroughly deserved it, but pulled all the tricks in the book to avoid acknowledging the good thing. She ignored, downplayed, felt bad about others who deserved more, felt bad about her team who didn’t get what they deserved, in fact even said it is somehow going to cause her harm and said she doesn’t know what it means. I said relax, acknowledge and enjoy the moment. There is time to worry about everyone else and there is time to enjoy an individual accomplishment also. I knew she was doing it because the her nature is not allowing her to acknowledge the good thing that is happening to her. I realized then that I do the same and it doesn’t look good.

When faced with praise, be humble, acknowledge, thank, take credit and take pleasure for what it’s worth, leave it if you truly think you didn’t deserve it and move on graciously.

friendship day

When someone says something and you are able to reply without thinking, worrying about your words, about what they might think, worrying about what you said afterwards, you maybe beginning to make a friend.

When you find something beautiful in the world and you want to share with someone, that friendship maybe growing.

And when your heart is heavy and you are ready to share to get some solace without worrying about it burdening someone else, that friendship may be strong to withstand it.

When you describe someone and goes on and on about them and finally realize how much you love them, then the friendship is deep.

uplifting?

I watched Rajeev Ravi’s movie “Njan Steve Lopez”. Liked it, but less than Kammattipadam and Annayum Rasoolum. All his Malayalam movies (and the ones he did cinematography for in Hindi – likes of Gangs of Wasseypur) seem to be centered around gangs and people in them. While it addresses loss of innocence, humanity of the killers, circumstances that lead to them, why are the talented story tellers focusing on violent lives as their medium? Likes of Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino etc. I have had my fill of action, violence and gore. I needed a uplifting story today – not another tragedy. I heard one director comment that reality is boring, too long and too slow, if we show the reality of everyday life, no one would watch it. We need to escape reality and hence the cinematic/dramatic leap of faiths that take us away from the world outside. Maybe that is true.

I need something positive now – a good story, one that reassures the hope, believable, not too dramatic or unreal, about naturally good people who doesn’t lose (need not necessarily win, but still). Anything like (but not the same as) below ones..

Her

The shawshank redemption

Forrest Gump

Taare Zameen Par

The Lunchbox

Piku

Amelie

Maheshinte Prathikaaram

Sing Street

Dil Chahta Hai

Call Me by Your Name

Bridges of Madison County

When Harry Met Sally

As Good As It Gets

The Breakfast Club

soundtrack for memories

Aaye Tum Yaad Mujhe, Gaane Lagi Har Dhadkan

Khushboo Layi Pawan, Mehka Chandan

One of my favorites (the favorite Hindi song maybe). What it reminds me is a rainy day in Mangalore. Finished the daily call from a telephone booth. The rain falling down gets silhouetted in yellow light from the streetlights. There is a spring in my step, heartbeats are singing.. Golden days.

Pal Pal Dil ke Paas, Tum Rehti Ho

Jeevan Meethi Pyaas, Ye Kehto Ho

I wanted to record it in an old cassette, by mistake overwrote the original cassette, borrowed one from a friend, instead of the blank one. Searched in all the music shops and couldn’t find the same one. I didn’t want to say I made a mistake. Found another tape with this song, bought it and recorded the song back into the first cassette. I have the image of PaiCo music shop where I found the copy when I hear this song.

Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein, Khayaal Aata Hai

Ki Jaise Tujhko Banaya Gaya Hai Mere Liye

Riding in a tourist van, my Engineering class tour. Bright day, noisy gang, I am at the back in a window seat, as usual. This song was everyone’s favorite then.  

Kannukull pothivaipen, en chella kannaney vaa
dhidhithajai jadhikkul, ennodu aada va va..

This might have been a song which didn’t grow slowly to be a favorite, but liked in the first instance. Late evening, I have almost reached my home, just at the last signal light, when I heard this. Don’t know if I waited in the car for this song to finish.

Evano Oruvan Vaasikkiraan,

Iruttil Irunthu Naan Yaasikkiraen

I think the earlier snapshot memories got overwritten. Latest image is me walking in the morning sun, past a renovated temple, through some dirt road. An hour of walk, taking the phone every 5 minutes to skip back to this song since repeat was not working.

For you I was the flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is losing game

Album in endless repeat for weeks. Driving through Phoenixville, morning, noon and evening drives back and forth between office and home. Phoenixville library from where I took this album is one of the fondest memories.

kisi nazar ko tera, intezaar aaj bhi hai

kahaan ho tum ke ye dil bekraar aaj bhi hain

Driving in front of Cosmopolitan hospital, going through the left lane to get a free left turn. The song comes on the Hindi music programme in FM. I search for the words when I reach home to listen again.

How does it happen that memories get stored as images, more like short GIF like videos, sort of like those motion pictures on the walls of Hogwarts and gets hooked to some songs? I should write down all such images and songs as a reminder.

സ്പീച്ച്

രാത്രി 10:30 മണിക്ക്, ദിവസത്തെ എല്ലാ യുദ്ധങ്ങളും കഴിഞ്ഞ്, അവസാന തുള്ളി വരെ ഊറ്റി എടുത്ത കരിമ്പിന്‍തണ്ട് പോലെ വീട്ടില്‍ വന്നു കയറി. സോക്ക്സ് ഊരി ഇടുന്നതിനു മുന്നെ തന്നെ പിടിച്ചു.

“വാ, വാ, പറയട്ടെ” എന്തിനോ കാത്തിരിക്കുവാരുന്നു.

“ഇനി എന്തുവാ?”

“ഇന്ന്, ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ടീച്ചര്‍ എന്നെ 8th ഇന്റെ ക്ലാസ്സിലേക്ക് വിളിച്ചു കൊണ്ട് പോയി. ഇന്നലെ പറഞ്ഞ ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് സ്പീച്ച് ഒന്നൂടെ പറയാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു. ഞാന്‍ ടീച്ചറിനോട് ഒന്നൂടെ നോക്കിയിട്ട് പറഞ്ഞോട്ടേ എന്ന് ചോദിച്ചു. എന്റെ ക്ലാസ്സില്‍ പോയി, ഒന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു നോക്കിയിട്ട്, 8th ഇല്‍ തിരിച്ചു പോയി. ടീച്ചര്‍ ലാസ്റ്റ് ബെഞ്ചില്‍ പേപ്പര്‍ നോക്കുന്ന പോലെ ഇരുന്നു. ഇതാരാണെന്ന് അറിയാമോ എന്ന് ടീച്ചര്‍ ചോദിച്ചപ്പോ, കുറെ പേര്‍ പറഞ്ഞു, “ഗായത്രി, 6th സ്റ്റാന്‍ഡേര്‍ഡ്, റൂബി ഹൌസ്”. ഞാന്‍ സ്പീച് പറഞ്ഞുകഴിഞ്ഞപ്പൊ ടീച്ചര്‍ പറഞ്ഞു, “ഇത് 6th സ്റ്റാന്‍ഡേര്‍ഡ്ഇലെ കുട്ടിയാ, ഇങ്ങനെ വേണം സ്പീച് പറയാന്‍””

“എങ്ങനെ, എങ്ങനെ?”

“ഇത് 6th സ്റ്റാന്‍ഡേര്‍ഡ്ഇലെ കുട്ടിയാ, ഇങ്ങനെ വേണം സ്പീച് പറയാന്‍ എന്ന്”

“പിന്നെ, പിന്നെ. ഇങ്ങനെ പൊങ്ങി പോയാല്‍ നിന്റെ തല പോയി റൂഫില്‍ തട്ടും. കൂടുന്നുണ്ട്.”

“ചെയ്തിട്ടല്ലേ പറയുന്നത്” അമ്മൂമ്മ!!

“ആദ്യമായിട്ടാ അമ്മൂമ്മ എന്റെ സൈഡ് പിടിക്കുന്നത്‌”

രണ്ടു ദിവസം മുന്‍പേ, അടിയും ബഹളവും വച്ച് ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് സ്പീച് പഠിക്കുന്നത് കണ്ടിട്ട് ഞാന്‍ വഴക്കുണ്ടാക്കിയതാ. നമ്മളൊന്നും പഠിക്കുമ്പോ ആരും ഇത് പോലെ പുറകെ നടന്ന് പഠിപ്പിക്കാന്‍ വന്നിട്ടില്ലെന്നും, എന്നിട്ടും ഒന്നും സംഭവിച്ചില്ലെന്നുമൊക്കെ. അതിനു എല്ലാരും കൂടെ എനിക്ക് പണി തന്നതാ ഇത്.

“ഇതൊക്കെ എന്ത്. ഞാന്‍ ആറില്‍ പഠിക്കുമ്പോഴും ഇത് പോലെ ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ടീച്ചര്‍ വേറൊരു ക്ലാസ്സില്‍ വിളിച്ചു കൊണ്ട് പോയി ആന്‍സര്‍ പറയിപ്പിച്ചിട്ടു കൈയ്യടി വാങ്ങിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്.” സത്യമായിട്ടും ആ രംഗം ഇപ്പോഴും മായാതെ മനസ്സിലുണ്ട്.

“എന്താ പറഞ്ഞത്”

“ഗ്രാമര്‍”

“ബെസ്റ്റ്. നല്ല ഗ്രാമ്മറാ. ഞാന്‍ 25 sentence ആണ് പറഞ്ഞത്.”

“അതില് വലിയ കാര്യമൊന്നുമില്ല.”

അങ്ങനെ അങ്ങനെ ദിവസം ഒന്ന് മെച്ചപ്പെട്ടു...