Extending this further, being an introvert and having no option to avoid people, I have to switch myself on for large parts of the day, perform the roles I am expected to play which exhausts me by the end of the day. I have to do an energy audit one of these days.
I read this framing also recently - about being a sofa person or a treadmill person. Sofa person is someone who exhausts you with their negativity that you want to lie on a sofa afterwards. Treadmill person is someone who gives you so much hope and energy that you want to run on a treadmill afterwards to burn that off. I could relate some of my interactions with these definitions. I believe in our work and personal relationships, we should try to be somewhat of treadmill people - who can lift others up than bring them down.
Leaders are supposed to be people who give others energy. Does it mean they suppress their fears, disappointments and frustrations? If they do, wouldn’t it explode sometime in unexpected ways and cause more harm? Or will the stress eat them up? I read somewhere that there should be someone in our work and life who offers a shoulder to cry on, someone with whom we can open up, voice our fears and lighten our load. My experience is that we cannot treat our manager as this person since they have their own bigger burden to carry than take ours too. Hence maybe the adage that “I want to hear your solutions, not your problems” (I saw this quote hanging in one person’s door). It cannot be our team since they will get depressed if you reveal all your apprehensions, just like a father or mother may not tell the kids about their financial troubles. It doesn’t mean we hide all emotions - be authentic, but knowing ourselves well, hold our irrational, unverified, impulsive, ugly ones that doesn’t help anyone who sees it.
It will have to be a peer or a friend who can take us as we are. I read recently in “The Covenant of Water” (fiction) about these benches raised to the shoulder length along the pathways in Kerala about hundred years back when there were no vehicles, for travellers who carry loads on their head and walk long distance, to temporarily unload themselves, take a bit of rest and carry on further. This peer or a friend whose shoulder we can cry on may be like those rest stops. But then what about this friend - they will need a sofa to lie on after talking to us. I was lucky to have one or two such peers and friends with whom I can share my irrational and ugly fears, talk things out and feel relieved.
I also read a phrase sometime back about “emotional vomit” - as ugly as it sounds, having heard of this once, I cannot unhear it ever since. Hence I am careful not to take advantage of even friends such as this by covering them with my ugliness, but to talk things out, coming at a situation from different angles, to reason things out in the process of talking.
Now what are these things that saps our energy? I stopped reading Newspapers for years. I lost count as to how many years it has been since I stopped. I don’t watch news on TV. The best explanation for this was written by Aaron Swartz here. Most news is sensational, intended to shock, shame and make us angry. News moves slowly, stories develop over time and I don’t need to follow it minute by minute or day by day. I will still get the news I need when I go look for it or if it is important enough, it will come up somewhere. I uninstalled Facebook and Instagram - friends who truly matter to me will reach out directly and I don’t need the algorithm to recommend feeds that will amplify my fears or fill my head with junk. I archived school groups, college groups and alumni groups in WhatsApp. I stopped reading the algorithm recommended news feeds. I have put timers on Youtube and LinkedIn so that I can use them just when I need.
Now what more can make us depressed? I read recently that if your job is to take care of others, you need to take care of yourself first. Sleep for seven hours, eat healthy, regular exercise and get some sun everyday. Being a vegetarian, I am chronically low on Vit D which is a mood killer. Hence I don’t depend on the sun alone and take supplements.
There is still more that is needed. Seeing the glass half full since I can’t imagine being a pessimist. Seeing the good in others, actively looking for qualities in others that we can like and respect, since we can work or live only with people we like and respect. Not going to extremes in any spectrum whether it is politics or religion - I imagine those on the extreme left or extreme right will be very angry with the world since they will see wrong everywhere.
Being able to forgive and forget easily and not holding grudges. Being able to trust people first, not needing them to prove to you first why they should be trusted. Not being rigid with one’s principles or using the principles as the crutch to fight the world and its perceived injustices at every opportunity. Not burning with righteous indignation at every perceived slight. Looking for success stories and small wins in what we do and celebrate them.
Having a sense of proportion about the problems, injustices and unfairness that we see every day - we need to save an injured calf in the flock that we are responsible for, but it cannot be at the expense of hundred others who are not complaining and who need our time and energy too. Being able to listen and soak up the pressure, but being able to prioritize which ones we act upon.
Taking effort to understand and make sense of the world so that we can explain it to everyone who needs that clarity and light their way out of the darkness. Looking up frequently to elevate the collective aspiration of everyone around us so that we can one day rise above the current troubles.
Holding one’s tongue to avoid making a sharp remark when we are provoked, suspend immediate judgement and allowing some breathing space between stimuli and response. Listening deeply, listening between the words, understanding the other side, understanding the unspoken. Trusting that fixing root causes takes time and having the patience to see it through in the long term, while we absorb short term pain.
It takes effort to be an energy source and avoid being a black hole that sucks all energy.
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