the way music used to make me feel

I came across this tweet a few days back, which is like one of those we say “Yes!” to, someone had put into words something we are also feeling. I was thinking about this line yesterday as well.

We lose a lot as we get older, a bunch of habits and moods and proclivities, but the one thing I truly mourn is the way music used to make me feel.

https://x.com/_sairamkrishnan/status/1822639043206598836

I was looking for something to listen to in the morning and nothing fit the mood. Spotify showed a new recommended list as “for the baddies”, don’t know what it meant, but the music felt nonsensical. Daylist didn’t excite, Discover Weekly the same. After some time, the line “Uth meri jaan” somehow came to mind, not sure how as I hadn’t listened to this song for years. I was trying to deconstruct the reason why this came up now. I suspect if it was triggered by the radio ad I heard yesterday about Sonu Nigam coming to Kerala for a concert.

I used to listen to songs from the movie Tamanna non stop years back and this song was a favorite. For the first time, went into a rabbit hole about the lyricist. It is written by Kaifi Azmi, father of Shabana Azmi. He seems to have taken a path towards Communism and worked with progressive groups. This song is written as a poem as far back as 1950 - surprising to see the advanced thought even at that time, it must be as the country just came out of colonial rule as a young independent nation.

TAMANNA (1997)
music: Anu Malik
Kaifi saab’s poem Aurat with the famous lines Uth meri jaan… mere saath hi chalna hai tujhe was written in the early ’50s, supposedly for wife Shaukatji (Azmi). But at a wider level it expresses Kaifi saab’s progressive thought. The mood during Independence was that of sidelining love for the national cause. But Kaifi saab’s Aurat urged the woman to walk along with the man. Ghar ki ladai ho ya mulk ki – his was a contemporary take on the woman. The same poem was sung by Sonu Nigam in Mahesh Bhatt’s Tamanna. My Phataka guddi (Highway) has the similar sentiment of revering the strength of a woman.

https://www.filmfare.com/features/kaifiyat-9678-3.html

It led me further to read the original poem, Aurat (Woman). I hadn’t understood the meaning of some of the urdu words, so the English translation helped. It is just beautiful.

Life is in struggle, not in the restraint of patience
The blood of pulsating life is not in trembling tears
Fragrance lies in free-flight, not in the tresses, of hair
There is another Paradise which is not by the side of men
On its free pathways too you have yet to pirouette
Get up, my love, you have to walk with me

What if we don’t discover anything in the new? There is a wealth still to be rediscovered in the old, to be understood anew. Like the movies, books and movies of the past which we may have watched, read or heard, but now we are not the same and maybe there is more meaning to be absorbed from it and now we are ready for it.

weekly notes - wk 29 / 2024

Traveled to Melbourne, Australia for work for a week. It was my first time to Australia. It was a coincidence of events that led to it. Helping someone out of the blue in first days of 2024 that might have led to a trip to Australia at the time, but didn't. Some goodwill from that episode and others helped to lead to something else. I hope this further results in a positive outcome. 

A new country for me. While I had some notions about Australia, through documentary of their women's football team (Matildas), hearsay, perceptions about Australia cricket team and such, it all changes or clarifies to a different picture once I visit. Vast country, much bigger than India, but less people than Kerala, large Indian and Chinese contingent of immigrants, quick weather changes, closeness to Antartica, stories about dwarf Penguins coming back in the evening at an island beach, wild fires, short days in the end of winter, a city with its high rises quite same as any other metros, coffee culture, lots of restaurants and Australian Football which I found to be weird. It was mostly hotel and office for me as it happens in these work trips. It was cold too. 

Culture of even our own work changes from country to country, depending on what customers there expects. While we Indians stretch the boundaries of work ourselves, here it was friendly, easy going, people who enjoy life and respectful.  

I had been largely thinking and discussing with others on similar topics that are in my mind for few weeks or months - decline of project management competency, software delivery struggling everywhere to meet timelines and quality, reluctance to take ownership, ripple effects of great resignation still, slow change and bureaucracy in IT. Like old generation complaining about the new, we lamented about lack of responsibility from the new generation, rate of growth of people in earlier days, about 5 year of setback in career trajectory of people, bad bosses and culture in some places vs emulating role models in other places.  

weekly notes - wk 28 / 2024

 

1.

I had been in this situation before. Getting bored with a format of writing. It is not writer’s block. I used to write an email to my team every Monday, with whatever was on top of my mind the previous week. I did that over a year or so and then stopped - felt like I am repeating myself, have said everything I wanted to say, that whether anyone would get any more value out of that or that I am forcing myself to stick to that schedule and it should be more natural than that, not a chore. The same is happening to these weekly notes already. I couldn’t get out of the slump that I got into. I think one way out could be to change the format, so trying that from now. I know the cure is to keep going, one step at a time.   

2.

It is raining here, almost all the time. I think of these days as apocalyptic - dark all the time, rain falling with the noise of a train. It is also the perfect mood for a tea, feet up, something philosophical to read and wonder about something that seems a new insight in that moment. It is the kind of day and time I want to remember forever, if possible to bottle it and store away somewhere. Maybe these are the words that will help me remember such days and the feeling in the moment.  

3.

the saddest thing is when you watch a movie, read a book, or listen to a song, and you have no one to talk about it with.

— Sabrina (@neu_rot_ic) July 14, 2024

I guess it should be the ones that expand our understanding of the world bit by bit, so much so that over the years we change for the better. If those books, movies or songs and our interpretation of it can be clarified by talking it out loud with someone and we change together, all the better. Like a word I came across today in connection with the Spanish football team that won the Euro cup yesterday. “cuadrilla” - a Basque word for a group of mates who stay together for life. Similar to another word it reminded me of - Moai, a Japanese, about a group of lifelong friends, a social support group that forms in order to help us throughout life in many ways. 

4.

I guess this blog is one such forum for the quirky things that I come across. One such is the movie, Happy-Go-Lucky. It is around a bubbly, chirpy, good natured person who tries to brighten the moments of the people she encounters. It is diametrically opposite of how I am around people, unless it is someone on the same wavelength. But I admire such people in real life - the ones who can take disappointment in their stride, who won’t get riled up by angry people but rather think it is the result of something they suffered in their lives and hence should sympathise with. Like her reaction when she finds out her bicycle was stolen, remarking she couldn’t say goodbye to it or when her cheerful remarks were met with silence or indifference on the other side, waving it away with a joke. It must be difficult to be sunny all the time, without suffering for it in other ways. Something to try still. 

5. 

It is a Linkedin meme now, about sharing life lessons from any random event. Even the shooting at the Trump rally yesterday. But I can’t help but think about lessons from football. I had been watching the Euros for the last month or so. About nice guys, value of humility vs arrogance, whether one should have an outsized belief in one’s ability to be extraordinarily successful, about when a group of people fight for each other with everyone being equal, winning with stars vs winning with hardworking committed people who are having fun, value of preparation and systems, working with youngsters and finding the next stars, hard task of shutting out the deafening noise of criticism and complaints, going back to the basics, developing a system, having a unique philosophy or understanding of the world, visible cohesion or a group, developing a new theory for something that is hundreds of years old, stamping a unique imprint in a group of people who all believe in the same thing and more. In the end, it is 20 people running after a ball, but making it a model to think about life is interesting thought exercise. 

6. 

I need to write more, to lift some more brain fog. Problems I still grapple with. Interesting connections I see among things. To make sense out of it. Problems such as how to judge people more correctly the first time, trusting gut feel, but still creating checklists to avoid the mistakes made. How is it that despite decades of work, there is an inadequate supply of great people in certain positions and what should I do differently to develop them more. About the need to go back to the basics of software development to fix some mess. About needing to figure out if it is a new normal post covid that is creating stress. About running the rat race vs slow living - whether such thoughts are due to age. The whole meaning of life, purpose and what I really want out of it. It is a tall order to figure out.

weekly notes - wk 27 / 2024

It is going to be one month since some of my routines were broken. I hadn’t gone for a walk/run for a month, didn’t read much till this past weekend and didn’t feel like watching any movies. When I get into such a slump, I typically clean up everything. It gives a feeling of starting from a clean slate. It has been the way since childhood - when life is a mess, cleanup the surroundings. Fold clothes, vacuum clean the house, pay attention to personal hygiene, clean up the todo lists, emails, open tabs in the browser, make new resolutions. It gives the feeling of starting over. 

While passing over some things, I saw the name of someone who I said thank you to on social media for sharing good music. She had passed away during covid and it was a shock even though it was nearly a stranger to me. I have the last text sent to a friend asking how he is doing before he passed away. For a long period of time, people leaving with that kind of finality was not on my mind. People move away to other cities or countries for jobs and while farewells are painful, we know they are there somewhere. Being young (in my mind, I never aged after college, until recently), death was a faraway concept. There is a threshold that one crosses when one does the rituals for a family member. It is real now, not a distant concept. I guess it is still possible to think that they are there somewhere though. 

weekly notes - wk 23-26 / 2024

 

My small world got reconfigured once more in the last few weeks. I lost my father two weeks back. I had travelled to Montreal, Canada for work for two weeks and this was a sudden shock on a surreal Sunday morning. There was no warning, no mental preparation. I went through the motions of just packing and leaving in the first available flight, trying not to think too much. Past two weeks have been a blur of rituals, doing what needs to be done mechanically and meeting people I hadn’t met in decades.

Words seem to have dried up for some time. It may not be the best way to process the grief, but this may take time.  

weekly notes - wk 22 / 2024

 

1. 

It was the last week before schools opened, so we took one day off and spent it in Trivandrum’s Lulu mall’s play area. Kids had a great time. I was hoping we could get out in an hour or two, but had to drag them out in the evening. 

I was mostly observing strangers, if that is a nicer way of putting it. So many different types of people. An old lady in a housecoat and thorthu, being pushed in a wheelchair. A thatha, so overweight she was hanging onto the railing, joking with her grandsons. A girl and a boy dressed fashionably, girl with rolled up tshirt, walking hand in hand - after some time, another girl joined them, three of them walking holding hands like an ad for something. School groups - I assumed some from International school, checking up on someone who was sitting outside a play area, from their group, video calling and chatting. Two lovebirds, thin, must be in 12th or undergraduate, clinging to each other, their group accepts this pair as one person. An american malayalee auntie of indeterminable age, striding here and there, in shorts and tinted glasses. Another English speaking family getting into the crowded lift, the daughter announcing if anyone wants to get down at level 1, no such good manners expected by anyone, hence the mother shushing the daughter. Kids shooting reels - one guy coming up the stairs, throwing his head back and running his fingers through the hair, doing multiple takes. Kids playing VR shooting games on motorbikes or horseback. A pair of sisters coming to play Bowling, one of the sisters all action, purposeful and determined. Another tamil family, drinking coffee from golden cups. New fashions, oversize shirts, sleeves falling beneath elbow level, hawaii shirts, lightly patterned white shirts with full sleeve buttoned, black tees and blue jeans, oversize jeans with high waist. Sea of humanity - I was exhausted by evening, even though I did nothing. 

2. 

Watched a movie, The Hours. I hadn’t read any Virginia Woolf, even though I had attempted once or twice, but fascinated by her life story and tragic ending. I liked the movie - I couldn’t recognize Nicole Kidman as Virginia, had to double check to be sure. Boredom with monotonous life, courage to leave a life which is as good as death and choose to live, mental illness and friendships. I was so affected once again that I started reading “A Room of One’s Own”, Virginia Woolf’s lecture on Women and Fiction. She was ahead in her thoughts by 100 years!   

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard"

- The Hours (Virginia Woolf to Leonard) 

3. 

Finished 10th book of the year, A Glass Hotel, by Emily St John Mandel. It was deeply disturbing, but I am now going by below quote. I used to search for books that are comforting, with happy ending, about good people. But I realize I am trying to run away from reality.  

"I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound or stab us. If the book we're reading doesn't wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading for? So that it will make us happy, as you write? Good Lord, we would be happy precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us. That is my belief."

- Franz Kafka

The Glass Hotel was about deeply flawed people, put through the meat grinder of life, surviving their childhoods, trying to recover their whole lives and succumbing eventually. Financial fraud, drug abuse, broken homes, people taking advantage of each other and eventually facing the ghosts. It was deeply depressing, so exactly the kind that is an axe for the frozen sea within us. 

weekly notes - wk 21 / 2024

1.

It is permanently dark under rain clouds. Low lying areas are flooding. People are complaining about road work everywhere combined with rain making traffic difficult. How things change from two weeks back when it was extremely hot to now summer rains causing floods. It is not yet Monsoon. 

2.

We attended a wedding engagement function. I watched the series “Made in Heaven” which was a story of wedding planners coordinating luxury weddings last year. It was curious to see the wedding planners in this function prepared with remote control to trigger the sparklers when bride entered, cannons that shot out rose petals and photographers instructing the father of the groom and groom to talk to take candid pics. Wedding functions have become elaborate affairs - maybe that industry needed to employ people who will invent more. 

3.

Finished reading Book 9 of 2024, “48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene. It was a difficult read, but insightful nevertheless. I can identify the behavioural patterns of a few after this. Rules like “Never put too much trust in friends, learn to use enemies”, “Conceal your intentions”, “Guard your reputation”, “Learn to keep people dependent on you”, “Never appear too perfect”. I listened to a podcast interview of Robert Greene (how cool is it that in this day and age, one can read a book and listen to the thoughts of the author directly) - he did lot of research for this to collect stories in last hundred years or so to illustrate how people obtained, grew, retained and consolidated power. He says upfront that power is amoral. I initially thought this was a parody, but it is not. I think if nice guys can finish first, I hope so, but what about the machiavellis and chanakyas of the world? Social engineering is used to effectively brainwash entire societies with propaganda, can nice guys win straight in such environments? 

4.

Couple of interesting reads (came across through Hacker News) - 

Inner ring - CS Lewis - that there are unofficial hierarchies in any social group and when we are outside one, we pine for entering it, but it is like peeling an onion with many inner rings. By spending our energies in entering these inner circles and keeping others out, we lose some of our identity over time. Instead focus on our craft and form genuine friendships with other craftsmen that are not about excluding others. 

Corporate Ozempic - Prof Galloway - that AI is like Ozempic (weight loss drug that controls craving for food) for corporates, aiding them in reducing hiring while growing profits. Large companies are reducing jobs, but profits and stock prices are continuing to increase. Is it really AI or the over hiring and inefficiencies that crept up getting cleaned up now?