Sometimes I feel I am the most gullible, impressionable by anything and agreeing to both sides of any debate alternatively without being able to make up my mind about something. Either I can console myself that I am finding good in everything or I can accuse myself for being a weakling who cannot differentiate good from bad. That is what I am searching for - my day of emotional maturity - then without running around mirages of ideas, dreams and goals, I can relax in the comfort that my thinking is right and this is what I want. I have been thinking of one quote for couple of days - it is from "pretty woman". Mr. Gere says that rarely people surprise him and Ms. Roberts replies that "good for you. Most people scare the shit out of me most of the times" or something in the similar line. Yes, I think that sometimes - I haven't made up my mind yet about most things in life. I fancy myself as good at recognizing patterns and making theories - in work and outside. I have my subconscious categories of people and pre-judge most of them into some bucket. With careful observation, I must have built a catalogue and approximate mental pictures of people in different categories. If I just trust my instinct I will be mostly true about some person. Like that I must be furiously collecting data on life and what should be believed in and what must be the true pattern of a good life. But so far I don't have a clue. What should you pursue to be content? In any case it won't make any difference to me because I have caught on to the tail of life and it is going on a wild ride without a care in world about me bumping into boulders on the way. It doesn't seem to care that landscape is not usually scenic and I don't seem to be able do anything about it. Irony is, I can change anything about this life anytime I wish - but I don't know what to change or whether to change. Have been listening to Coldplay for last two days continuously and the line "I’m gonna buy a gun and start a war if you can tell me something worth fighting for” lingers. That is pretty scary. Is finding happiness in whatever you have now is an ambitionless attitude, sweet pill given to the weak? Not that I am practicing that, it is just a thought. Sometimes people make me think that not having a goal in life is the worst thing that can happen to you and then I make my short term and long term goals and short term and long term plans to reach that goal. There will dozens of fancy thought screaming across by wonderful little brain that if you have a general direction sense about where you are going, you can eventually find it, so get that idea and that at least going towards something gives a sense of purpose and avoids the boredom of running in circles. And then the next day I conjure up a new theory that having an aim takes the energy out of life and concentrates it on one purpose while thousands of other opportunities for happiness pass you by. Like this I jump from one boat to another. The ultimate irony is that these are just thoughts - I am just fantasizing. I have always followed life and was generally happy about wherever it took me (oh, that must be the destiny theory) and let me see what is has in store. I will there in my couch, eating potato chips out of family size Lays bag and watching CNN's made up news of the hour. I am pretty content actually…


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