Should I get bored if two or three days turned out exactly similar and dull? Do I need to be more patient to let this tide pass and wait for the sun to come out? I am bothered with too many disturbing thoughts – no, I am not making this up. Do lunar cycles really have an effect on us? I guess if we can explain the mood swings based on some tangible reason like that, it should have been easier to wait for it to subside.

One of my friends (sensitive, sentiments – he hasn’t even heard about these words, but basically good at heart – so we get along) once offered an analysis after reading a bit of Freud - that my basic characteristics is melancholy. Very Strange – this comment came in between a very ordinary conversation in no particular place, when we were waiting for somebody outside a house – but every time I think about this comment, I get a clear picture of the cemented lawn with a coconut tree and its gnarled roots protruding and we two standing by the side of it, his bike somewhere near, sun already set and very dimly lit. Funny how you associate even some not-so-important events in your life with the place and time and with an image – like a catalogued picture card pulled out to read out the note. I suppose there is lots of catalogued cards like that which flash when you think of some things.
Maybe he was right (for once), but anyway I am not exactly the opposite, so it leaves room for very little argument.

It is bit difficult to untangle the messy knot and separate the strings of thought so I can attack one by one – but I can distinguish one of them. It is an old question which keeps coming back during every one of my blackouts – that I don’t have a real goal – personal, work, or anywhere. I started reading “Atlas Shrugged” – going in a crawling pace. It professes one idea continuously – that the most depraved kind of man is one without a purpose in life. I am not sure whether the book is manifesting the disturbance I feel or it augments the thought I already have. Once and for all, I should decide whether I should give some merit to this and do something about it. I happened to talk to some friends – but they seem to be much more immersed in this and disillusioned than me. Is it a problem with the times that we are going through – nobody knows what they want in life? Or nobody ever thinks about it and it is better to get on with life than indulge in such fancy thoughts? Maybe thinking in these lines is a luxury. Do I need a shrink, career guidance or a friend? I should probably think some more and separate facts and fantasies.


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