P&P: Planning and Prioritization

All my carefully planned, well thought of, ingenious ideas are crumbling to tiny pieces. I prepare a weekly plan to get to know week’s objectives well in advance for me and team, prepare daily plans for me, end of day achievements, team’s daily plan and then replan in case of contingencies. I spend ½ hr everyday morning doing this planning. Then lets the team also know what the objectives are. This is on the top of sending them the detailed schedule for things to do. I review the progress regularly; have daily review sessions planned which I conduct in crunch situations. I think about improving me and my team every day. I am logging the random ideas I have, short term and long term action items, to improve on any problem I observe (which is sent to team and feels like it is going in a back hole). I conduct feedback sessions (One-to-One sessions, I call it) every two months or so. I give them feedback on what they did, what do I expect, which ones to improve, which ones to keep doing. I am not a planning freak who does not do anything but plan. I am not a perfectionist.

The biggest down side is, after all this, I spend long nights in office. By god, I am trying hard, really hard.

I don’t fret over things,
I don’t crowd people with my plans,
I give them space.
I am not doing great
At least what I think is great –
Compared to that I am not even mediocre
But I want completeness in everything I do
Have to feel that I have put my best into it
Then I feel comfortable
Nobody forces me,
I force myself,
Not to impress anybody,
But to have the satisfaction
I don’t keep at one thing
Till it is too perfect
I know when to let go
But still I end up working every hour in between meals and sleep.

I just put down this sticky in front of me:
Don’t mince words. State the actual problem. (I think that others may feel bad. But for a pro, the aim is to get it done.)
Do it thoroughly or don’t do it.
Don’t get emotional, take a moment to think.
Don’t waste time!!! (Like this)

Life is continuous improvement, introspection, questioning, and correction. But without results.

Sometimes I think whether I seriously have a problem with grasping some control. When rope is slipping from my hands, I don’t even mind. Take life as a game you would like to play well. I can be competitive in a game, if I know how to play – I have demonstrated that with couple of them, but it is still mediocre. But here if I lose hope of winning, then I am losing the urge to fight. “If you can’t win, go down fighting”. What is the use? If there is a sinking feeling, then relax your muscles and let it do whatever it wants? Let the wheels roll and take you wherever it goes? Inaction. When it requires maximum work to be done, when it hits hard where it hurts, when it tumbles down with smoke and dust all around you, when you feel the pressure of the mountain you are trying to move is going to crush you, what if your nerves just give up? What if it just ceases to care and let it all take its course? Sleep and hope that when you open your eyes again, everything will be all right?

Challenges should thrill, without challenges there is no fun, harder the battle, more fun in winning it. Challenges without stakes are also not much fun. If winning and losing does not mean different things, there is not much fun.

Forget the aching shoulders, forget the chaos, and see the light at the end of tunnel. Fix your eyes on that, let the periphery blur. Detach the claws one by one. Crouch to leap ahead and with sure steps, march towards that light.

It is like calm after a torrential rain. Office has grown a little silent after 7pm. Now some decibels are clearer or am I listening for the first time today? There are clicks from space bars around me. Since it is the key that is hit the most, it has lost its bearings and sounds like a hollow tin. It is the sound of this place - the sound of space bar. Every factory will have its own noise, its own smell - something similar. Then somebody hits an enter key with vengeance. This new mouse has that scroll on it - it should be greased, if somebody tries to go to the end of a document using that, it makes screeching sound, sounds like using sand paper to smooth a rough surface, insistent sound in short installments. Why don't they make it noiseless? - I guess whatever I hear, is from old furniture, which will be replaced soon. Old compaq PCs replaced with new Dell and HP flat screens and noise less keyboards - then this music will reduce in tempo. Other musical instruments are those chairs. It is comfortable, all right. But some of them creak. Some of them make sound as if it is breaking. Then there is the melodious low growl of phones. If you detach yourself from these sounds, it sound like water dripping from trees onto puddles of water or tin surfaces after the rain - clicking sounds coming from all around with no sequence. Thinking about rain, it hasn't rained since I came back to Mangalore - long time. One of my favorite pastimes is to read or watch TV while it rains buckets outside with a furious wind swaying the trees. I just have to wait couple more months for that.

Coming back to the music inside the office, I don't notice this at all normally - it is sound of daily life. But after a splitting headache suppressed with pain relief tablet, a throbbing head catches these decibels more clearly.

“I need closure”. I have read that in some fiction. A person who was wronged or who did something awful cannot live peacefully until he satisfies himself that it is closed in the best way he can and then he can breathe normally. He comes back, repents his actions and then asks for absolution. Then he gets closure to his pain, his discomfort and his state of hanging on a nail. Or he was wronged by somebody whom he did not expect it from, or whom he held closer to his heart, he wanted to ask why was it done to him? I was thinking, what is the big deal. Forget it and move on. But I guess the best thing to do in such circumstances is to turn right back to the faceless, nameless feeling, try to confront and then bring an end to it – be it confession, questioning or whatever action it may take. Close the chapter, if possible with a happy ending.

Just a string of thought remotely related to something that is bothering me.
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I saw this movie “Leon, The Professional”, some time back in which Jean Reno is a hatchet man – a professional one. I liked that guy in some movies (eg: “French Kiss” etc). There are a quite a few movies with professional con men and hit men like Leon. They show tough guys who knows all the tricks of the trade, all the tools (at least they can churn out sentences filled with C6, M5, 0.45, 0.85 etc). They have been in all sorts of situations; know how to pull off any mission. Give the requirement, they will chart out ways, give the list of things they need (“The Heat”, “Ronin”), recruit specialists in explosives, cover etc (I am a bit rusty, I am quite out of date with those KGB, CIA fictions and movies – I used to know quite a lot). Then they execute the job, get out of it without a scratch with the booty and do not feel a bit of emotion or elation.

Being a “pro” means something – thorough knowledge about the trade, knows all the byways and shortcuts, knows how to execute something to perfection and have the satisfaction of “job well done” without emotion, ego issues etc.

My breed is called Software Professionals, but I am yet to find true professionals. It is kind of macho stuff kids believe in, but the core is dedication to what you do and the satisfaction of getting it done well. That is probably where I want to see myself in another 5 years – a true pro?
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Yesterday I was frustrated by a hurtful comment in blog – I know that I shouldn’t take it serious, it doesn’t matter one bit, I am writing for my satisfaction and to make myself clear about my own scattered thinking. I deleted that comment. Why am I writing this down? Nowadays I seem to ask that question quite often (I guess my courting period with blogging is over). If I keep something that I wrote for more than a day, I will not put it up because I will think that it is too silly. So I have now an unused folder where I keep the scrap. So why blog? After venturing into this, just checking back, I think it helps to keep “the feet firmly on ground” as I read somewhere – giving shape to spurts of thought and thereby realize the whereabouts of oneself by writing and thinking about it. I guess I will keep it as it is – update it with whatever, whenever I want. Cut “..and some software” from it and create separate one to keep notes related to that (I am not getting time to do that).

Weekend Plans

After a long long time, I am going to relax this weekend. I have been working like a dog for last two months. I need to set down my burden for some tim. I hope I won't have to come to office on both the days. I hope I don't even have to take any work home. Saturday there is india-Pak cricket. So have to get up early. Need to warn my wife earlier that I will be busy (idle?) the whole day, need to muster some good arguments - that I haven't seen one match completely for over four years (but I am watching almost all the highlights including matches like Zimbabwe-Bangladesh - hope she won't come up with that point), that it is the "do-or-die" for our "boys" and if I am not there in front of TV and one more prayer added in my name, it may hurt their chances. That "it is mother of all cricket battles" and try to make her interested also so we can watch together – it is one good old technique.

So I am going to relax like a cat. Need to stock up some snacks. It is not everyday an indo-pak cricket comes on a weekend. Need to get a book (to read during breaks). It will be a hot day. It will be calm, there won't be any noise (there won’t be any kids playing cricket outside our apartment and yelling like mad). Curtains will be flapping its wings from a nice breeze – somehow it gives me a feeling of serenity. It will be a perfect day if India fights and wins – there is not much thrill in winning hands down.

I already have some hurdles which might spoil all my day dreams – I was asked to do some cheerleading for our department in some function ( “team-buliding-exercises”), but I could turn it down. Now somebody is saying that only one TV channel is broadcasting the game, which is not available here. Hope it works out.

I have read an article proclaiming that Indian’s craziness for cricket is affecting their economy. That they have been fed with some thing vile which is making them imbeciles. That it is the only game where so much time is wasted. That it is a deliberate move from old colonial masters to get us addicted to this game before they left. I think there could be lots of answers to these, but I have only one explanation - I enjoy watching it thoroughly - that is the only reason we need to have for doing anything, I guess.

Should I get bored if two or three days turned out exactly similar and dull? Do I need to be more patient to let this tide pass and wait for the sun to come out? I am bothered with too many disturbing thoughts – no, I am not making this up. Do lunar cycles really have an effect on us? I guess if we can explain the mood swings based on some tangible reason like that, it should have been easier to wait for it to subside.

One of my friends (sensitive, sentiments – he hasn’t even heard about these words, but basically good at heart – so we get along) once offered an analysis after reading a bit of Freud - that my basic characteristics is melancholy. Very Strange – this comment came in between a very ordinary conversation in no particular place, when we were waiting for somebody outside a house – but every time I think about this comment, I get a clear picture of the cemented lawn with a coconut tree and its gnarled roots protruding and we two standing by the side of it, his bike somewhere near, sun already set and very dimly lit. Funny how you associate even some not-so-important events in your life with the place and time and with an image – like a catalogued picture card pulled out to read out the note. I suppose there is lots of catalogued cards like that which flash when you think of some things.
Maybe he was right (for once), but anyway I am not exactly the opposite, so it leaves room for very little argument.

It is bit difficult to untangle the messy knot and separate the strings of thought so I can attack one by one – but I can distinguish one of them. It is an old question which keeps coming back during every one of my blackouts – that I don’t have a real goal – personal, work, or anywhere. I started reading “Atlas Shrugged” – going in a crawling pace. It professes one idea continuously – that the most depraved kind of man is one without a purpose in life. I am not sure whether the book is manifesting the disturbance I feel or it augments the thought I already have. Once and for all, I should decide whether I should give some merit to this and do something about it. I happened to talk to some friends – but they seem to be much more immersed in this and disillusioned than me. Is it a problem with the times that we are going through – nobody knows what they want in life? Or nobody ever thinks about it and it is better to get on with life than indulge in such fancy thoughts? Maybe thinking in these lines is a luxury. Do I need a shrink, career guidance or a friend? I should probably think some more and separate facts and fantasies.

Put a person bodily on a tank full of water and put a heavy stone on the chest, heavy enough to get a sinking feeling without hope. Ever felt like that – pressure on the chest with feeling of doom? There is a deadline looming large and after three days of limited sleep my head feels like big, swollen thing which is pricked by some sharp object at times. Something like a zombie trying to drag his feet and somehow touch the finish line.

But to tell you the truth I think I don’t resent, but enjoy this struggle. I think this has some purpose, some sense of achievement, some satisfaction of something creative being done, some satisfaction of using cells in my brain which were in a coma state for a long time. Thinking about brain dead – I wonder how much am I using that powerful machine of mine? I think since my head is swollen, I can imagine a big unused, well preserved (?) gray matter sleeping for years inside my head. Frankly speaking, today's software development firms doesn’t need people to use any part of brain. It just needs little practice – like typing. But even then India is becoming a super power. So there must be lot more untapped gray cells. Won’t it be great to get a medicine or something which can cultivate these cells a little more?

Even to get an engineering degree (at least with the education system we have) we don’t need to use too much of brain, just a little bit of RAM kind of memory – short term. I exercised that feature very well. I used to study just on the previous day of final exams. For one of them, which was supposed to be very fuzzy and all, I had severe headache on the previous day of final exam (that was the day I had planned to study in my calendar). In the evening, a friend came to get some capsule sort of lesson on one part. The exams used to be three parts or something. I don’t remember exactly now. From each part, you need to answer 2 questions or something. So you can do a gamble if you don’t have time or inclination to study. You can pray to god and skip some portions altogether and still survive. So this friend of mine had studied one part and he wanted to get a shot from me for the second part. I got really depressed because I didn’t even start and there is a big groovy text book full of Greek symbols. Then I started the battle – put on some Vicks on my eyes and nose (to fight off sleep and running nose), had a Crocin (precaution as well as cure) and started reading that book and simultaneously write notes into some paper – it is one efficient way of getting things into RAM. Write on a paper, it will stay on the brain for a little longer. I think that is because while you think about what to write, there will be enough time for something to be written in to RAM. So I studied for 14 hours at a stretch and went to exam without sleeping at all. I wrote it well despite the fact that the paper was tough – (while others search in their hard disk, I could get it fast from RAM?). I had even techniques like, if you manage to get enough material for the exam into the head with around 12 hours of loading, then don’t use the head too much till the exam is over – don’t read newspapers and all – it may flush out something which got in first.

I don’t use even one tiny piece of “knowledge” gained during those four years now. So it is feels really good to think that I didn’t waste much time in studying ICs, resitors/capacitors etc and enjoyed the years in college thoroughly.

So the moral of the story is – Little bit of RAM is enough for getting through even engineering, so if what they say about human brain and those cells is right, I have huge untapped potential in my small brain which is just waiting to be unleashed. That indeed is one refreshing thought.

I really have some hangover of Catcher in the Rye.

Compulsive blogging – is that what I do? I just read that and felt shy to write more. Am I writing for the sake of it? Huh. Not a good feeling, don’t think too much about it now.

So I was thinking all the time I was walking from home to office. I got a house close to office – just about a kilometer. Also, Mangalore sleeps much early compared to other places I have been. Not that I have a complaint about that – many of my colleagues have. “there is no nightlife here”. I am not sure what will I do with some more nightlife.

It is much different place out there at night, after all the drama of the day is over. I was having visions about this clip I saw somewhere – or I don’t know if it is a clip conjured up by my imagination. if everything in front of you is fast forwarded and you are placed inside that for a moment, then if only you are taken out of that and now you look back into the fast forwarded life in front of you, won’t it feel funny? I think walking alone at night gives these crazy feelings, sort of detached from the world; it is amusing to think about the world which is going to embark on this road in another few hours.

It is bit odd to walk at these hours of night – shutter of last shop closing, coming down with a sharp click gives a feeling of everything closing down finally, gives a reminder that it is time to get home and settle down for the day. Just one two-wheeler passes me, the drone of which you can hear from the long distance and will be there for a long time even after it passes you. Every noise is amplified. All the noises you don’t hear in the ruffle of the day – some sweet chirping and lots of barking.

Barking – it is the worst. The distance from office to home is divided into small countries which are ruled by one dog each. They will drive you out their territory by any means – growl, frighten by sharp barks, follow you close. Some of them will walk you till the boundary of next to make sure. I could identify each one now. I am entering the zone 1; this guy will give a low growl – like a warning. Then enter zone 2 where a silent one will watch you intently – you can feel every inch on your back and legs until you pass that one. Through some zones I walk without giving one small indication that I am scared – as they say, they may be able to smell your fear (I think it was said for velociraptors). I will just check them out through the corner of my eyes – without letting them know that I am watching them. Last zone is governed by an aging warrior – he will let you pass without acknowledging.

I should really stop these walks – it is about time.